


Phandom Phight Club 2020

by ghostanimal, SunYiJie, Taliax



Series: Phandom Phight Club [2]
Category: Danny Phantom
Genre: Crack, Denny's, Gen, Non-Graphic Violence, Phandom Shenanigans, Swearing, only partially edited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 26,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26580841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostanimal/pseuds/ghostanimal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunYiJie/pseuds/SunYiJie, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taliax/pseuds/Taliax
Summary: Phandom Phight Club 2: Electric Boogaloo!  This time featuring new announcers and new phighters!
Series: Phandom Phight Club [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545274
Kudos: 3





	1. Round 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this has taken so long to post! Mega thanks to Nick, Bug, and Matsu for splitting up the round writeups with me!

Tali took a deep breath. The air smelled of sweat, salt, and something burning—Tori trying to boil Dr. Pepper again, maybe? Or maybe Sunsi’s soup. They were pretty good at picking out specific smells, but the Denny’s contained such a motley blend that exact identification wasn’t always possible.

But they did know one thing: It smelled like _home._

A grin broke out on their face as they wove between the tables, patrons, and waiters bustling about. The meme energy fueled their core, putting a spring in their step as they went to greet the guests of honor.

“Danny! Tucker! Sam!” They called, flagging them over. “You came back!”

“Like I’d miss a bunch of ghosts duking it out for the _second_ year in a row!” Tucker grinned. “Even if I have to deal with Bug being a jerk, it’ll be worth it. ...They’re not announcing this round, though, are they?”

“Not this time,” Tali answered. “We’ve got some new announcers stepping into the ring!”

“This should be interesting,” Danny said under his breath.

“More interesting than last year?” Sam raised an eyebrow.

He shrugged.

They’d been pretty invested in the Phight last year by the end of it, but the two of them looked a little more nervous now. That was understandable; the Denny’s was even more packed than last year. Word had spread so fast, there was barely enough room for all of the ghosts who wanted to participate. Maybe next year they’d have to renovate the Denny’s to add more tables. Dallas’s fidget spinner ones were so, nice, though.

Tali shook their head. Next year could wait; right now it was time to make their guests comfortable.

“Alright, you’re just too late to place bets, but I can take you out the VIP box,” they said brightly. “It’s less crowded there.”

“I hope you guys got some vegan options since last year,” Sam said as she, Tucker, and Danny followed Tali past Loaf, who was crashing some cymbals together loudly.

“Nice work, Loaf,” Tali saluted as they passed.

“And she’s playing the cymbals because…?” Danny asked.

“Disrupts the frequency that this much ectoplasm in one place gives off. Throws Walker off our trail. Very important, you know.”

This was, in fact, a complete lie. Loaf just liked playing the cymbals, and Tali liked the extra dose of chaos. But the trio nodded, albeit skeptically.

“Anyway!” They clapped before grabbing Tucker and Sam’s wrists. “Flying will be faster. The Stadium is much bigger this year. Our cleanup staff carried in hundreds of cobblestone blocks from Technus’s Minecraft server to rebuild it.”

“Wait, Technus has a Minecraft serv— _ahhhhhh!”_ Tucker screamed as they vaulted into the air. Tali caught Danny snickering before following.

“You still never answered about the food,” Sam pointed out, looking altogether unsurprised at being dragged through the air. 

She’d be a hard one to impress, but Tali had confidence in the Phighters. This was going to be their best year yet… well, it was only the second year, but still. 

“Oh, someone probably came up with something.” Food Poisoning, a new cook, could probably figure out tofu at least. Tofu and poison sounded similar enough.

Vic was already waiting for them when Tali (carefully, of course) dropped two of their three guests in the VIP box. 

“No way. You really _did_ raid a Minecraft server for these.” Tucker brushed his fingers across a block of lapis lazuli embedded in the wall. There were a few other fancy blocks—emerald, terracotta, wet sponge—that broke up the monotony of the cobblestone. For spice, Chaos had said. Considering Chaos’s idea of good design was the 90s era bowling alley carpet, it could have looked a lot worse.

“Only the best for our Denny’s,” Vic said before fistbumping Tali. She’d been the one to orchestrate the raid on Technus’s server in the first place. Tali hadn’t been there, but she’d heard it involved a lot of arson.

“How’s security? Everything fine?”

Vic nodded. “We’re all set. No sign of Walker or Technus yet.”

“Yet?” Tucker asked.

Tali laughed. “Would it _really_ be phight club if we didn’t have the looming threat of outside attacks hanging over us at all times? The answer is no. No it wouldn’t. But don’t worry, our security staff is incredibly capable of handling any ghosts who want to throw punches outside of the ring.”

“You remember last year, Tuck. We’ll be fine.” Danny shrugged. 

Well, at least one of them had some confidence in the fine Denny’s employees.

“Alright!” Tali pulled their kazoo out of their jacket pocket. After a very loud _DOOT DOOT,_ they gripped the tiny instrument like a microphone. 

“Welcome, Phriends and Phoes, to the second annual Phandom Phight Club!”

Applause sounded from the full stadium, warming Tali’s core.

“Get ready for a month of epic battles, memes, and other shenanigans! We’ll be switching off between myself and our other three announcers throughout the round. Sit back, order yourself a nice possibly-vegan ectolatte, and enjoy the show!”

XXX

**MATCH 1**

“And here we are folks, our first match of the round.” Matsu’s keeping the excitement level low, for now. With how riled up some ghaudience can get during this ghevent, there’s no reason to ramp it up early. 

“We have our first contender stepping into the arena as we speak. Now, Bib’s always been quite the gharacter!” Matsu ruffles through her notes loudly, “Oh! And it looks like a strong one at that! She made it all the way to the semi-quarter finals last year!”

Okay, it’s clear the level isn’t gonna be kept low for long, oh well. 

The ghost that floats in is very clearing _not_ stepping, but Matsu doesn’t really understand what words are supposed to be used for ghosts versus humans; she’s never quite understood the difference between the two. The ghost looks vaguely like 4 Minecraft torches being held underwater—blue tinted and lit up by 4 glowing red dots—those are eyes, Matsu’s pretty sure, but the mask isn’t really giving many clues. 

“Bib’s opponent is actually a newbie this year! From what I’ve heard, Clora’s a fairly calm fellow, but willing to get _real_ loud when backed into a corner.” Matsu glances up from the gooey papers on her desk. There seems to be a bit of a commotion outside—Bib is yelling into the void. 

“Ahhhhhh! Where are you, coward! Phight me!!” Something is for sure going on; Matsu grabs the microphone.

“Alright, folks, gimme a moment. I’ll figure out what’s going on.” Tali slams the door open to the announcer room; it’s on the floor and smoking. She just looks at Matsu and communicates the problem telepathically. A nod, she turns back to the mic.

“Apparently the newbie phighter hasn’t even checked-in at the front desk, ladies and ghentlemen!” Bib turns and _glares_ at the box Matsu is sitting in. It’s a good thing it’s ghost-proof.

“Bib is our very first winner of the 2020 Phight Club! Sorry for the letdown, but at least you’ve all got time to grab some snacks from our sponsor: Denny’s! ‘Breakfast so good, it’ll kill ya!’”

**MATCH 2**

Matsu coughs awkwardly into her microphone as the yelling Match 1 phighter is dragged away. 

“Alright kiddos, guess we’re moving on!” She signals the vibrating ghost assistants down in the arena to start setting up. They start launching cowboy hats into the crowd. Several smaller ghosts are crushed. Matsu eyes the chaos as she continues.

“First up is @phan-pheeking-tastic! She is rocking both suspenders and the largest cowboy hat I have ever seen! I think it’s actually evaporating under the stress of its own existence—but aren’t we all?”

There’s a pause as Matsu contemplates her own reality.

“And here is her opponent: @planetgalactica! Kitt has certainly got a wonderful space theme going on, but she honestly looks a bit like a space Technus. So. Sorry about that.” Matsu wonders for a moment if she should turn on her filter before discarding the idea. They all know what they signed up for. 

“Now, Pheek has certainly been riling up the crowd! A performer if I’ve ever seen one!” Distant clown honks punctuate Matsu’s words. “Kitt looks like she’ll be the first one to make a move!”

The humanoid ghost steps forward, water guns filled with a mysterious brown liquid, and a feral grin on her face. Pheek turns around slowly, showing off her clown makeup to the crowd, her voice is broadcast throughout the stadium. 

“Oh ho ho? You’re approaching me? You fool, you are already dead!” She throws back her head and cackles. Matsu is impressed, how is her hat staying on her head? Kitt growls loudly.

“That’s my reference!” She sprints madly at the rodeo clown, arms and guns flying out behind her in a technically perfect Naruto run. Matsu is already having fun.

“This is certainly shaping up to be an entertaining phight everybody! I, for one, am rooting for—” Matsu has to cut herself off. Pheek just collapsed out on the field. Everything goes silent. Kitt stops in her tracks.

Ghost medics are rushing out. One wearing neon clear socks looks up at the box and shakes his head solemnly. Matsu gulps and slams her head on the desk. Why do things like this happen to her? She sits up slowly, groaning internally, and taps Megalovania into the microphone to grab everyone’s attention. 

“Ghost friends, sorry for the inconvenience! It seems another match is over and done with in less than a minute! Please head inside for a lovely ghost coffee (enough caffeine to wake the dead!); we’ll get set up with our next phighters. Congrats Kitt on your first win!”

**MATCH 3**

“Welcome back friends, enemies, and frenemies who cause me extensive problems! I’m glad you’ve all been enjoying your stay in the Denny’s parking lot. Our next match actually has some background music—courtesy of the bribes I’m not supposed to be accepting.” Matsu flips a switch and the 80’s remix of Numb by Linkin Park begins blasting over the intercom. 

“@artistically-gay is the first phighter to enter the field! He’s got on a lovely hoodie and showing off an amazing hammer, but, sadly, still kind of looks like a dude-bro. I’m not judging though. We all kind of look like dude-bros.” Matsu nods along to the music as the ghost swings his hammer around in circles, spinning so fast he’s barely a rainbow-colored blur. 

“And here’s @GrimGrinningGhoul! She’s from far away in the Frozen Wasteland. Must be nice to not feel so *numb* from the cold.” Matsu pauses the music just long enough to play a ‘bah-dum-tss’ so loud a speaker explodes. Groans roll around the stadium. Ghoul sticks in ear plugs and pulls out a remote.

“It seems Ryder is done spinning! That must have just been his crowd-pleaser move; I wonder what else he’s got up his sleeve?” Ryder is grinning broadly and standing in what looks to be a T-pose. 

“And Grim’s not even phased! She seems to be circling the other ghost, but hasn’t shown her hand yet. I wonder—Oh, wait, what’s she doing with that remote?” The music starts getting louder; the arena starts to shake, and cracks appear in the stands. “Hold onto your ghostly tails pholks! I think Ryder’s in for it!”

Ryder teleports right in front of Grim and snags her in his arms. 

“He left his hammer back in the center of Grim’s circle, but it looks like even without that, Ryder certainly packing some strength! Grim looks to be struggling! Is this the end?” Matsu can’t quite tell the expression on Grim’s face, but to be fair, it’s hard to see when your eyeballs are vibrating from the sound playing all around her. The noise level is still increasing.

Ryder shakes his head and stumbles back, releasing Grim to stand on her own two feet. He holds his hands over his ears and collapses. He looks like he’s done. Matsu finally remembers the instructions that came along with the bribe and shuts the music off. She still can’t hear herself but it’s probably fine. 

“And that’s the round, people! Grim is our winner for phight number 3! And, ironically, the only one to have earned it so far. Congrats!” 

**MATCH 4**

“Up next we have @averyphandomninjaukulele vs. @halfaqueen! I’ve heard this might be a boring match, but *I* know that that is impossible! I was obviously lied to on every level. I mean this is basically Pariah’s Empire versus the Realm of the Gods! So let’s get started and prove me right.”

“Tori has very clearly taken the ‘shock-and-awe’ route when they dressed to phight. Stripes, bones, and pink; sounds like a recipe for awesome from me. Ukulele is quite a bit more understated, but certainly has some fire in those eyes.”

Matsu’s kind of jealous, actually. She wants fire in her eyes too. 

“Ukulele’s eyes, of course, are many. The ones in their hoodie pocket are also on fire.” Hundreds of thousands of googly eyes have already begun to spill out of the giant pocket of their blue hoodie. “It seems to have turned the arena into a lava pit. Fire types have the advantage!”

Tori takes several steps back before hopping up into the air. They hover up a bit higher so their skirt doesn’t start to melt. Two cans of Dr. Pepper are snatched from their waist. Matsu’s a bit confused, to be honest. Ukulele doesn’t seem to be wearing anything they care about, so spilling the soda on them seems a bit silly. But wait—

“Oh my ghosts! I can’t believe my eyes, is—They are! Tori is violently vibrating up and down, arms flapping wildly with a can in each hand. I think I know what the plan is now!”

Ukulele is standing her ground, glaring up at the ghost floating in even closer. Tori suddenly freezes in place and bares their teeth; a large SNAP can be heard even from the box. 

Huge jets of bubbly, spicy brown Dr. Pepper slam into Ukulele. All of the googly eyes are extinguished. The phight is over.

“And Ukulele is down for the count! Someone certainly paid attention in Pokémon school—everyone knows water beats fire.” Matsu didn’t, but that’s what telepathy is for. “Tori moves on to round 2! Please enjoy some over-easy gheggs inside as we cool off the arena for the next match.”

**MATCH 5**

With all the chaos that has been going on recently, Matsu felt that it might be time to take a few steps back. She starts the commentary at a near-whisper, reminiscent of the golf announcers that are always narrating in her head. 

“We start off match 5 with a very special treat; a nunnery will be providing some background music for the rest of the evening. Over in the corner we can see the ghost nuns standing in choir section of the stands. Thank you, nuns.” It really is lovely to listen to. Such a shame that people don’t normally enjoy the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

A ghost with some… questionable… fashion choices walks up to the bottom of the choir section.

“It looks like our first contender is speaking to the nuns. @whosvladagain, I’m sure you’ll phight with them in mind and show off your appreciation.” Donatello looks up at her name and gives Matsu an odd look; perhaps that wasn’t what they were talking about.

“Phighting against the totally-not-a-ninja-turtle is our wonderful @kinglazrus, all the way from Nightmare Valley. Thanks for joining us.”

A knock at the (newly-repaired) door drags Matsu’s attention away from the stadium. Tali is at the door, holding a large box and looking very suspicious. Their eyes are blood-red.

“Oh, it seems I have a fellow announcer joining me up here, pholks. Tali, what can I—” There’s a huge crash, and the sounds of a violent scuffle. Matsu’s voice is noticeably louder and panicked. “Phriends, Tali is acting very strange. I would have thought she would be down in the stands, waiting to watch the match, but she just attacked me! At the moment she is fiddling with the air circulation system, but I cannot leave my station to try to stop her. As it is, ghosts do not have to breathe, anyway. I’m sure everyone will be perfectly fine.”

Down below, Laz is staring up at the box, eyes glowing an eerie red. Something is definitely going on. On the other side, Donatello seems to have selected 2 of the nuns and attached them to a long metal chain. She has leapt up into the air and begun spinning them intensely. As she approaches Laz, alarms begin to blare.

“Everyone, a strange gas is seeping into the arena, what could this be? Tali? What are you doing?!”

Tali looks up and shakes herself. She seems confused. The insane red in her eyes is gone. A sniffling has started up around the arena.

Donatello is obviously having trouble seeing; tears are running down her phace. She can’t see where to aim her nunchucks. There’s a smile on Laz’s lips. 

“What’s wrong? Can’t handle a little onion gas?” The grinning ghost steps forward and whacks Donatello with her inflatable sword. The ghost crashes down and her nunchucks fly off.

“Donatello cannot continue; congratulations on your win Laz!” Matsu turns to Tali for a moment; an explanation instantly appears in her brain. “And to the referees down on the ground, it seems this was a ploy by Laz to begin with. Mind control is not against the rules, so don’t worry about it.” Matsu side-eyes Tali.

“Perhaps next time, Tali will be a little sneakier when she goes to wish a phighter luck. Donatello’s opponent certainly wasn’t happy about it.”

**MATCH 6**

“Next up we’ve got a match between @eekwhatthehellisthat and @roseyyglass. It seems the nuns from the last match were a little offended by Donatello’s treatment of them, so they’re heading out early. 

“Luke’s the first out onto the field. She’s been setting up for a while it seems; not sure what she did to get the privilege, but I support her.” Matsu frowns a bit but assumes it’s all legal. After all, nothing bad has happened here yet.

“Luke’s been setting out quite a few barriers and duffel bags, so I, for one, am very curious. Good luck, Luke!”

A huge crack of thunder interrupts Matsu’s introductions, and a storm suddenly appears over the arena. Everyone turns to see a very fancy-looking ghost strut in, rocking a three-piece suit. Their pants seem to be covered in rolling clouds.

“And here’s Aster! Aster is actually a returning phighter this year, and has certainly prepared for the occasion! That diamond pickaxe is certainly on-brand for this year’s theme. Glad to have you back.”

This match looks like it’s shaping up to be a phight between a tank and rogue; Matsu has no idea who has the upper hand here. Especially since phights have no time limits.

“Aster’s standing still at the moment; they appear to be listening for where Luke’s hiding. And—Oh! It seems they found her, a quick slash of the pickaxe and—There’s nobody there! Luke must have set a trap!” From a few behind them, Luke steps out of hiding, holding a giant automatic Nerf gun. Aster is pelted in the back of the head eight times before they duck and run directly at the other ghost.

“Slash! Stab! And... Luke’s gone again. How is she so fast??” Matsu is really starting to feel like she should get her eyes checked. 

A huge BOOM knocks Aster over, and when she sits up, she’s been half-covered by Nerf darts. Thunder crackles loudly; they’re furious.

“Where are you, little mouse? You can’t hide from me forever!” Lightning strikes all ten of the barriers, and Luke is left staring at Aster and looking terrified with nowhere to run. Aster bonks her over the head with her pickaxe. She’s knocked out cold, though it’s hard to tell if it’s from fear or the bonk.

“And the winner is Aster; give it up for roseyyglass! Nice phight you two!”

**MATCH 7**

“I’m just getting word now, pholks, that the next phight will actually be a ghostly bake-off!” Matsu has certainly never heard of this happening before, and she’s kind of hoping that it’ll still turn into a brawl. She’s never been one to turn down watching a phight.

@Em-sta has laid out all of her ingredients on a spooky-looking table. Several things are smoking, and all of it looks moldy. @Dannyphantomisameme’s table is looking quite a bit more normal. Though there does seem to be a bunch of pumpkin spice. 

“Our lovely referee has been chosen to be the judge for this match. He’s got several discerning taste buds so you two better be bringing your best! All the rest of them were burned off in the fire.” Matsu takes one moment of silence for his loss. Sad kazoo music comes from Em’s table. The kindness is appreciated. 

“Looks like our theme will be… Starbucks lattes! I’m not sure why; obviously Denny’s ecto-lattes are far superior.” The last part is a muttered aside and almost sounds like a joke. Matsu looks legitimately offended though. 

“And the cooks are off! Blenders are whirring, and things are spontaneously catching on fire. Ooops!” Matsu winces, “That looked like a poor choice on Em’s part. I’m not sure there’s cheese in lattes.” 

Lily is cackling now. She’s been a terrifyingly competent phighter throughout the match. She knows she’s got this in the bag. Em lets out a furious yell and starts throwing things over to Lily’s station. Now Lily’s having to dodge flying fruit as she works.

“Well, this might be cheating, but no one ever said cheating was illegal! You go Em!” An air-horn sounds off. “And that’s it! Please bring your drinks to the judge.”

“Em’s the first one up. It doesn’t seem to taste too bad, but it’s certainly not a latte. Too bad for her. Lily’s still looking confident so let’s see how she measures up.” Lily hands over her latte, and the judge takes a sip. He looks pleasantly surprised and starts chugging. Suddenly, he starts choking. 

“What’s going on down there?! The judge seems to have coughed up a raisin. Lily may have attempted to kill the judge! What a surprise!” Lily is whipping her head back and forth, obviously upset. She starts yelling at Em. The fruit could only have come from her food attack earlier.

“Still, foul play or not, Lily is disqualified for attempted murder. Congrats Em-sta on your win!”

**MATCH 8**

“The world is a stage! And I have all the scripts!” The ghost down in the center has apparently elected to start off the commentary herself. @brokentimeturner is wearing a lovely star-covered cloak holding a book and a quill. Obviously, she’s not quite up to date with the times, but Matsu can respect an aesthetic.

“Thanks for those words Rev! Both of our match 8 phighters are newbies this year. I have literally no information on either of them. So. Sorry about that.” Matsu’s kind of irritated with herself, actually. Usually, she’s pretty good about collecting pre-info; she got her scout badge in Stalking, after all. Still, though:

“Based off her outfit and shouting, Rev looks like she might _already_ know how this match will turn out! Precognition is an amazing power, and store-bought astrology is a pretty good stand in for having your own powers.” Not that astrology has ever been super helpful for Matsu’s daily life. Doesn’t really help that she was born four different times, making the practice difficult in regards to her. A telepathic _ding_ tickles her brain.

“According to Tali, the other phighter, @shinyspooks, is all the way from the Temporal Domain! Lyna’s got to have some kind of time-control powers with that pedigree, so maybe this will be an interesting phight after all!” Matsu hopes they’ll keep the majority of it happening in _this_ time stream, though; it’s no fun if somebody just straight up surrenders. 

“And here she comes now! Lyna appears to be wearing headphones and a time scarf—that’s not too different from a regular scarf, but it is an important distinction.”

Lyna is standing very still at the edge of the ring, a direct contrast to Rev’s frantic writing in the air above the pages of her book with her quill. Could the match have already started?

Lyna throws the edge of her time scarf at Rev, and she dodges it without ever looking up. A snap can be heard as she shuts her book and snatches at the wires of Lyna’s headphones. Oh, but this is a surprise!

“Nice try Rev! Maybe it would have been a good play to look up at your opponent before attacking—Lyna’s wearing airpods!”

Rev’s angry muttering can be heard from the box, but Lyna isn’t even giving her time to think up a new plan. She teleports directly behind the seer ghost and yanks the book out of her hands. Lyna seems confused when she glances at it.

“This isn’t even notes about the phight! This is angsty fanfiction!”

Rev is practically steaming. “It’s good writing! I had a sudden inspiration; I wouldn’t dare try to ignore it—what if I got Writer’s Block?”

A gasp rushes through the crowd. Even Matsu winces up in her box; that is the most horrible fate that could befall any ghost. 

“Well this might be a shock to you, girl, but Danny dissection fic is _so_ last year!”

Rev clutches at her heart and stumbles back. A cry is heard from Tali’s section; it seems Danny is watching the phight. 

“What do you mean Danny dissection is last year! That hasn’t happened!”

Lyna coughs awkwardly. “Maybe I came back too far in time. Still! Rev, can you even see the future?!”

Rev just pouts. Matsu is a little annoyed that she guessed her powers wrong. Lyna lets out a frustrated growl and just decks Rev across the face. That’s the end of that. 

“And Lyna is our winner for match 8! First bracket done, please take a few minutes and enjoy some laughs at Tali’s expense!”

**MATCH 9**

“Well, looks like it's time for @greeneyeswhitehair and @dalv-co-official to phight!” Nick commented. “This will be something. Green's afraid of ghosts, and Vlad killed James fairly recently. He's still getting used to his ghostness.”

“Green's afraid of ghosts? Isn't everybody here a ghost?” Tucker asked.

“Wait, did you just say that Vlad killed somebody?” Sam questioned.

“Shhh, phight's starting,” Nick ignored them both. To further shut them up, Phelony came by with a giant tray of food. Free of charge. To keep their mouths shut.

Green seemed unnerved by the ghost before them, but they were obviously prepared for this. They stressed too much over this to let a fear of ghosts overtake them. They chucked an empty cola can at James the intern, hitting him in the face. They took another out of their pocket, throwing it as well. James picked up the cans, staring at them. Almost instantly, his entire mood shifted. There was a familiar dead look in his eyes, distinct and clear.

“Will that be all for you today?” James the intern asked, voice hollow as he repeated the company mandated line from his old job. “Would you like to sign up for our rewards program and receive a discount on today's purchase?”

“No! You're not supposed to be able to pick it up! I wanna talk to a manager!” Green demanded.

James the intern lit up as he grinned. Ash flared up around him, and the Denny's lights went out. Tiny ghost blobs came from the ashes, chattering excitedly, “they wish to speak to a manager!”

His eyes glowed, and he held up his smartphone.

“Ĭ̵̯̞̻͇̝͇̮͛ ̷̡͉̉̒̿͂̏̉̑̎͌̑̓͆̽͠a̶̡̨̛̲̪̝̖̮͔͙̟̥̖̙͎̒̑̌̐̿͊̐̐̒͗́͒͘ḿ̵̥̽ ̸͙̈́́̈́͗̉ţ̴̨̙͕̺̭̹͉̠̮̦͒̔́̋̊̌̓̂͂͊̄ẖ̸̢̭͌ě̸̹̙̱͖̦̖͇̖͖̤̤̙̰͈̞͂̐͠ ̸̧̛̞̝̮͖̘͎͈̐͛̓͒̈́͛̂̀̚̚m̵͇̭͕͈̟͈̦̱̩͔̺͍̤͈̒̒͛̍̒̐̆̚å̴̛̩͘n̸̨̢̥͔̗͙̖̥̗̆̑͛a̵̫̹͕̬̟̰̖͕̤̯̓̈́̾̕g̶̛̛̣͌͂̂̆̇͆͌̾̽̑̿́ẻ̸̡͖̰͓͗̓͑͝͠r̸̢̳͖̀ͅ.̷̤̯͕̱͊̔͒͑̍̄̅̎̕͝”

Green paled. How are they supposed to match this? They left the area to just simply try another Denny's.

“I'm still stuck on how Vlad killed somebody???” Danny tried to speak up. Nick forcefed him a piece of perfectly cooked hot pocket.

“Greeneyeswhitehair is unable to battle! Dalv-co-official wins!”

**MATCH 10**

“WOAH!” Dots shouted.

“...Your phight hasn't started yet,” Nick pointed out. “You're still in the kitchen.”

“Oh, rip.” She quickly ripped off her Denny's apron and hairnet and rushed to the arena.

“Hey, I recognize these people,” Danny spoke up. “They fought last year, right?”

“Yup! @d-o-t-s and @reallydumbdannyphantomaus both are returning phighters,” Nick confirmed through a push to talk microphone hooked up to speakers. He decided to finally just upgrade from talking loudly. “Both are very well known for their shitposts, so this outta be interesting. And now it's started!”

“Isn't that the girl who was on the news for fighting mothman?” Sam questioned, pointing at Dots. Tucker shrugged his shoulders.

Dots and Bug both stepped into the arena. Bug had an old fashioned boombox, her remix at the ready.

“You look really nice today,” Bug told her opponent. Dots looked absolutely touched.

“You really think?” she replied. “Woah!”

The awkwardness of the woah clearly puzzled Bug. It really wasn't the kind of commentary she expected. A bit inappropriate, and it threw her off. But regardless, she cared a lot about Dots.

“Of course! Dots suit you sooo much, Dots,” Bug assured her. She held up her boombox, and she began to play the nightcore remix of Cascada's 'Every Time We Touch.' Dots teared up.

“I can't fight somebody so nice to me,” Dots exclaimed. She began to dart around the area, Bug chasing her, holding the boombox over her head.

“Let me love you!” Bug demanded.

“I think these phighters are broken, this is weirdly wholesome,” Nick commented. “Well, least Gos will have almost nothing to clean up.”

The chase continued for another minute before Dots finally ran out of the arena, Bug hot on her tail with the boombox.

“Uh, reallydumbdannyphantomaus wins! With the power of love and affection,” Nick concluded.

**MATCH 11**

“Ooo, it's time for the return of @ectopusses versus a newcomer, @auroraphantasma!” Nick announced. “Zach's socks are well known at Denny's, but looks like she brought a diamond pickaxe this year. Oo, it's getting Minecrafty now. And Aura brought a uh...is that a Denny Phantom pillow?”

Indeed, it was a Denny Phantom pillow case covering two branches, making it some cult-like sacrificial offering. Aura held it up proudly. Zach did the same with her pick axe.

“You'll last about as long as my cares about canon material,” Zach looked over her ridiculously oversized 420 glasses.

“Oh I'm stronger than I look,” Aura challenged.

“Well, we'll see if a meme pillowcase can beat Minecraft's most treasured type of pick axe,” Nick commented. “Phight!”

Zach swung her diamond pick axe at Aura. Aura blocked it with her pillowcase, pushing Zach back a bit. Zach threw the pick, Aura dodging with a grin.

“Ha! Missed!” Aura grinned. The pick hit her on the back of the head as it came back, boomerang style. “Ow!”

She swung her pillowcase at Zach, hitting her opponent hard enough to knock her off her feet. But of course, not enough to quite knock her out of her socks. That'd be just a physical impossibility.

“Vibe CHECK!” Aura shouted. She picked Zach up by the ghost socked feet, swinging her around twice before yeeting her out of the arena. A trail of green glitter shot from Zach as she went flying through the roof of the Denny's.

“Uh, can somebody fetch her? Before Walker finds her?” Nick requested. “Security?”

A few security personals shot after Zach's yeeted form. Nick felt a presence behind him.

“You dissed my Denny pillow?” Aura questioned. She had teleported behind him.

“Ectopusses is out of the park, so looks like auroraphantasma wins! And also needs to be removed out of my area by security whenever they get back.”

**MATCH 12**

“So, are we ever going to address again that Vlad killed somebody?” Danny asked. Nick shrugged.

“Nobody cares, we've all killed here before. Least once. Often it's you.”

Danny choked on his pancakes.

“What!?”

“And now we're ready for the next phight!” Nick completely ignored him. “It's another newbie to the phight versus a returner! @axoltheaxolotlqueen v @ectolights, respectively!”

Ectolights pulled out her weapon: 64 pack of crayons. Axol stared, unimpressed, but still pulled out two Wii remotes, handing Ectolights one of the controllers as a TV was summoned.

“Just so you know, I wouldn't feel bad about beating you,” Axol told their opponent.

A TV was summoned, and a game of Mario Kart was on. It became quickly apparent that while Axol was clearly better, Mario Kart makes fools of us all and ultimately ruins more friendships than Monopoly ever could because at least Monopoly doesn't have shitty AI that throws shells at you last second. Soon, the game ended with nobody winning, and the opponents were forced to take a different approach.

Ectolights flung her crayons at Axol as if the crayons were a flurry of darts. Axol was able to dodge some, but not all 64. The ghost was soon pinned to the wall of the Denny's by their shirt and shorts with the crayons. Lyla came by to offer them their order of tea while they waited for somebody to come and get them down.

“Ectolights wins!” Nick announced.

**MATCH 13**

“Up next, we're gonna see how new phighter @aedelia stands against phighter veteran @heyheyitsnotgay!”

“Engarde!” Aedelia declared, wielding her tablet pen with a broken nib as if it were a sword. “I have the power of Clockwork and a cartoon that ended in 2007 on my side!”

She stabbed her tablet pen at Anri before throwing it at them as if the pen was a throwing knife. Anri summoned a danno edit, a shield. The pen got stuck in the shield. Anri flung the shield like a Frisbee. Aedelia caught it, and she held it up.

Anri got another danno edit, one of the most powerful types: danno on a stick. They threw it at Aedelia. The absolute power and force of the danno on a stick sent Aedelia backwards, out of the ring.

“I haven't seen such a use for a danno on a stick in a long time,” Nick declared. Danny squinted at the weapons as they laid discarded on the Denny's floor. “Simply nothing, not even Clockwork, can match the power of danno on a stick. Actually, we may need a medic to make sure she's okay. Rye? We have a Code Danno Stick situation.”

“Is that...my face? On a stick?” he asked.

“Legally, we have to say no so that Bitch Fartman can't sue us,” Nick replied.

“You literally are calling it 'danno on a stick',” Sam pointed out.

“It counts as parody, what are you anyway? A ghost cop?” Nick questioned. “Anyway! There you have it! Heyheyitsnotgay wins!”

**MATCH 14**

“How do we pay for this food?” Tucker asked. Danny froze. He didn't think of that.

“Dunno, never paid,” Nick replied. He had a perfectly cooked hot pocket.

“So it's free?” Tucker questioned hopefully.

“Never said that, I just said that I never paid,” Nick corrected. “So alrighty! We have two more newbies that are gonna fight to the death for the chance to move up! @zelandiangelo versus @duckapus!”

“...Like fight to a re-death, or are you using a figure of speech?” Danny asked.

“Let's find out! Phight!”

“I'm not just fighting alone, you see!” Zelan declared proudly. They motioned for another ghost to come closer. The ghost came to the edge of the arena. They held up a supportive sign. “My greatest weapon is my fiancée’s love and support!”

“You go, Zelan!” the fiancée cheered. Duckapus's face dropped, but he was determined to win. He held up his wand, turning it into a trident.

“No can do! According to [insert warrior cats fact that Nick doesn't know that would be relevant enough to make sense in the context of this phight]!” Zelan declared. The trident was forcibly turned back into a wand. No matter.

Duckapus charged, but soon as he got to Zelan, a horrible realization hit him. He couldn't actually hit them with the wand. No matter as he could, there was a layer of protection around Zelan. Love Protection.

“Whelp, just like many phights today, guess the power of love triumphs all. Zelandiangelo wins! Also a side note, it's literally never to the re-death, and I think we should up the motivation.”

**MATCH 15**

“More newbies! This is fantastic, I love seeing new ectoplasm shedding ectoplasm,” Nick announced a bit too cheerfully. “We have @imdepressedanditshows up against @phantomphangphucker!”

Titania pulled out their greatest weapon. It was a ghost goldfish that swam in the air around them, making happy bubbles as it circled them.

“Attack!” Titania ordered their fish. The fish swam at Black Ice, bubbling all the way. The little creature was too fast to keep up with, causing an instant small chase before Black Ice stopped. Goldfish wasn't the target. Titania was.

With a menacing grin, they rushed forward as their entire body glitched. Titania put their hands to their mouth. It hurt, badly, and they soon realized what the issue was.

“I don't have any teeth!” Titania complained in horror. Nick was unsympathetic.

“None of us do, there's like six people in Phight Club who specialize in stealing teeth,” Nick replied. “Dee stole my teeth a long time ago. You get used to it. And our Denny's has a special menu for those who have no more teeth, or you can borrow some teeth from the Teeth Bucket temporarily.”

“Wait, so is our phight over??” Titania asked.

“Uhh, I take bribes,” Nick didn't even bother lowering his voice or taking his hand off the microphone. Titania hung their head sadly.

“...I'm smol and broke,” they confessed. Nick nodded.

“Mood. Anyway, phantomphangphucker wins!”

**MATCH 16**

“So, what's like, the prize if you win?” Sam wondered.

“Bragging rights,” Nick replied.

“...That's what this illegal fighting tournament is for?”

“Phighting, and it's only illegal if you snitch on us to Walker. And if you snitch, then just know that we'll find you!” Despite his cheery tone, it was clearly a threat. “And you'll miss our next round! @plazmawulf versus @phantomroyalty!”

Rus already had her battle music playing, Last Surprise. As she was already preparing to give PhantomRoyalty a piece of her last surprise. Why wait to show it off, after all?

Rus held up her broken left joycon, this controller that loved breaking down more than any college student nearing finals, and flung it at her adversary. It hit them square in the chest. With ninja-like skills, PhantomRoyalty caught it before it hit the floor. They studied it, and then, using their ChalkZone chalk, drew. Soon, they held a perfect copy of the broken joycon.

“I fixed it,” they told Rus, giving them the new left joycon.

“!!! I can finally play MarioKart again!” she replied happily, even though in a few hours she would come to resent this joy, as this game would absolutely suck her soul out because MarioKart is Never Fun after more than one round. It's got terrible AI, the rainbow road is the real reason why everybody here in this Denny's is dead because nobody can stay on the fucking rainbow road they all drove off and into the void (even the gays can't stay on it that's how bad it is not even the GAYS can stay on the RAINBOW ROAD) and nobody actually has fun playing it they're all lying to you, and they're an even bigger liar if they claim that rainbow road is their favorite map.

Rus took the new, working joycon and walked off and out of the arena to play MarioKart, then eventually a better game worth her time.

“PhantomRoyalty wins! Also they need to come here because my left joycon is broken too, can you please draw me a new one?”

**MATCH 17**

“Hey fuckers,” Bug said, popping into the announcer booth. “I really hope Tali’s profanity filter doesn’t catch me cussing.”

Tucker leaned over to Danny. “What the fuck are they talking about?” 

Danny shrugged.

“I thought you weren’t announcing this time?” Sam raised an eyebrow.

“And I thought that I’d have graduated college by now. Death is weird, homie.” Bug grabbed their sparkly pink microphone. “Hey y’all fuckers, your favorite dumb bitch is back! Here to announce another legendary battle!”

The crowd erupted.

“Iiiiiiiiin this corner, returning for their second year as a phighter—” Bug checked their notes and grimaced “—the absolute worst who just made me lose the game in 20-fucking-20, it’s @voidetrap!”

The crowd stopped cheering to groan. A few ghosts piped up to mention that they’d lost the game. When Void stepped out, parrot on their shoulder, the crowd booed and threw popcorn at them. They bowed.

“Aaaaaaaaand in this corner, a first-time phighter. an absolute trash gremlin, who apparently thinks legs are… for cowards.” Bug covered the mic and turned to Danny, showing him the cue card. “Am I reading this right?” Without waiting for an answer, they turned back to the crowd and yelled into the mic, “I give you, @canofspooks!”

Spooks floated in, spectral tail fluttering in the wind.

“Your tail looks stupid!” Void said.

“Give me your teeth,” Spooks said.

“Okay, binches! Ready, set…” Bug hit the gong. “Phight!”

“Get ‘em, Parry.” Void flung their parrot off their shoulder, directly at Spooks’s face with a crunching noise.

Spooks winced. “Ow, oof, my bones.”

“Do. Do ghosts have bones?” Sam said.

Bug snorted. “Fartman only wishes; crunchy bones are just Spooks’s weapon of choice.”

“And he. He keeps them in his face?”

“Apparently.”

“Eat my boooooooooones!” Spooks tossed a femur and a mandible at Void, who failed to dodge.

“Good thing I don’t actually have a form, right?” Void said, disassociating.

“That’s what you think!” Spooks ran forward, tackling Void. He reached in their mouth and pulled out their teeth. Void screeched before passing out.

“Now that’s just unsanitary,” Tucker said.

Bug hit the gong. “Void is unable to battle! Spooks wins!”

**MATCH 18**

“I should probably read these cue cards before announcing them this time, right?” Bug said.

“Probably,” Sam said. “Are you going to?”

“No.”

“Right on.”

“Bug,” Tucker said, “do you mind if I ask why you’re suddenly… nicer? I mean, you did call everyone fuckers, but you also won your phight by being really nice to your opponent.”

“I’m a rude nice,” Bug said. “But also you should love yourself. You’re smart and cool and I’m big into self-love so love yourself or I will do it for you.”

“That cleared up nothing, but thanks?”

Bug brought the mic up to their mouth, ignoring Tucker. “Oooooooookay! Y’all get ready for the next filthy battle! Iiiiiiiin this corner, phighting for the first time, it’s @dantheectoman! She’s one of… Vlad’s secretaries? Is this even allowed?” Bug looked around in confusion until one of the guard ghosts came and whispered something in their ear. “Uh, okay, I guess Vlad’s dead ghost secretary is phighting. One of them. Hang on, does this mean he has multiple secretaries and one of them is a ghost? Or does he have multiple dead ghost secretaries? Why does he even need multiple secretaries? Is that even a thing?”

As they spoke, a red ghost in a pencil skirt and glasses floating into the arena, holding a glowing green Starbucks cup.

“Get on with it,” Danny said, rolling his eyes.

“Right,” Bug said, clearing their throat. “Aaaaaaand in this corner, a returning phighter who put their sadness in a spray can and who should probably figure out how to monetize that so they can pay off any future debts, we have @spacegravedoodles!”

Holly popped out into the ring, flipping their spray paint can in the air.

“PHIGHT, PHUCKERS,” Bug yelled, banging a gong (get it on).

“Eat my depression,” Holly said, spinning the can around and spraying Red Wraith with the condensed sadness.

“I work for Vlad, honey,” Red Wraith said. “What do you think you can do to me?”

She threw her ecto-latte at Holly’s head, covering their head in lime-green goo.

“That thing has a 100% chance of ruining your hair forever.” Red Wraith adjusted her glasses so they did the anime character glint.

“Noooooo! Not my haiiiiiiir!” Holly dived out of the ring and rushed toward the showers.

“Making up statistics always wins,” Red Wraith said.

“Holly is out of the ring! This makes Red Wraith the winner!”

**MATCH 19**

“Hey, Bug? Do you mind if I announce a round?” Vic asked as she flew into the announcer booth.

“I don’t know… do you think you’re qualified to be an announcer?” Bug replied skeptically.

“Yeesh you were nice two seconds ago, but now you’re doubting Vic’s capabilities?” Tucker muttered under his breath.

“I heard that dimwit,” Bug snarled at Tucker. “I’ll have you know that I am one of the nicest people in the entire ghostzone.”

“You just got done telling me that you were a rude kind of nice,” Tucker said. “Know the difference.”

“So, is that a yes?” Vic said interrupting the two of them, not even waiting for a response from Bug before grabbing the mic.

“HEY! I DIDN’T SA—” Bug exclaimed before Vic threw her cloak at Bug, effectively muffling her from talking.

“Helloooooooo Phandom Phight Clubbbbb!” Vic yelled into the mic, her voice reverberating throughout the stadium. “Our next match up is going to be a good one…” her voice trails off as she frantically shuffles through the queue cards.

“What are you doing? People are waiting!” Tucker said trying to hurry Vic up. 

“Which one of you screwed up the queue cards!?” Vic exclaimed, her eyes glowing a little brighter. 

“*cough cough* Bug *cough,*” Tucker choked out from behind Vic.

“I think it’s supposed to be @jl-artsandcreations vs @roseverdict,” Bug whispers to Vic, “but, you would know that if you were qualified to be an announcer,” she finished sarcastically.

Vic sent Bug a death stare and slowly held up the correct queue card. She turned on the mic and began: “Sorry for the wait,y’all. Entering from the left is @jl-artsandcreations!”

Pip entered the area in jeans and a purple crop top. Her purple hair blew in the wind as she walked in with her weapon: an ecto latte.

“Hold on, what do we have here? An ecto latte as a weapon?”

“They pack a mean punch. The cooks here don’t know when to stop adding espresso,” Tucker said. “I speak from experience.”

“Right…” Vic started, “And entering from your right, we have @roseverdict wielding a keyboard… and a gun?”

Rosie entered in cargo shorts and a shirt with a cursed danny on the front. The crowd cheered at seeing the danny.

“What is up with ghosts liking that image of me so much,” Danny muttered to himself. “It makes me so uncomfortable.”

The two phighters squared up in the center of the area.

“PHIGHT!” Vic yelled into the mic as Bug banged the gong.

Rosie immediately began fortnite dancing. She hit the deep dab a few times before changing up her routine to feature the robot, best mates, and lastly the floss. Pip just stood there unamused.

“You know that my most powerful skill is cursed content, right?” Pip asked rhetorically. “Therefore, I can’t possibly be affected by your cursed dance skills.” 

With a huff of determination, Rosie pulled out her keyboard and summoned a gag to be thrown at Pip, but Pip whacked it away with her ecto latte.

“My turn now,” Pip said. She opened the cap of her ecto latte and out spilled the most cursed of content. Some of the ghosts in the audience had to shield their eyes at the sight. The cursed content flooded onto the floor and engulfed Rosie. The content knocked her onto her back before she held up her gun and pulled the trigger. Out popped a flag that said “bang.”

“The cursed content is too strong for Rosie!” Vic announced. “Pip wins!”

**MATCH 20**

“This is your daily reminder that Vic is precious, and any slander against her was said by poor duplicates of me,” Bug said into the microphone. “Good job binch,” they added to Vic.

Because Tali was writing, Vic was forced to accept the compliment.

Bug then threw a peace sign and handed the mic over to Tali, who set it down in favor of her usual multipurpose kazoo.

“Next up we have two more phighters you may recognize! Our very own announcer @ectoamerican vs. returning phighter @ceciliaspen!”

The crowd cheered as two clouds of darkness floated into the arena. One cleared to reveal a young ghost girl in a red sweater— that was Cecilia— and the other revealed a white-haired ghost… er, _ecto-american_ boy holding a hot pocket.

“Still don’t know how he cooks those,” Tali said. “Last time I tried, I melted a plate and it was _still_ cold.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Vic said.

“Oh, yeah! PHIGHT!”

Cecilia launched a lightningbolt straight from her palm— _that_ was new. Last year her skillset had been shadow-based. But Nick apparently didn’t think it was anything he special; the dark cloud that had surrounded him intercepted the bolt before it could hit.

“That’s all you’ve got? We may be friends, but I didn’t think you’d hold back like this.”

“Tch. As if I’d use my full power in the first round.” 

Cecilia brought her palms together, shooting out another blast. The bolts branched outward, dodging the dark cloud to catch Nick’s leg.

“That tingles,” Nick said with a smirk. “I’ll have to save that for cooking my hot pockets in the future. Might give them a nice electric flavor.”

“You could already do that by just blowing up the microwave,” Cecilia said. “I’m sure that wouldn’t be hard for you.”

“That wasn’t even that sarcastic.” Nick frowned. “Don’t worry. I’ll put you out of your misery so Tali won’t have to stretch herself trying to be funny much longer.”

“Hey! I am funny,” Tali pouted.

Vic snorted. “You _literally_ just roasted yourself.”

“You’re not supposed to break the fourth wall enough to realize that.”

Meanwhile, down in the ring, Nick had spread his darkness over Cecilia. While this alone wouldn’t stop her— Cecilia was a creature of the darkness, shaped by it, molded by it— what descended out of the dark was the real game-changer.

“Fanfic reviewer tears.” Tali nodded. “Yep, that’s always a good one.”

Cecilia cursed her friend’s not-so-sudden but inevitable betrayal as she melted under the onslaught.

“Hey Leo, please come mop Cecilia up and take her to the infirmary,” Vic said into her walkie-talkie.

Tali played something vaguely goth sounding on the kazoo. Well, as goth as a kazoo song could get, anyway.

“Ceciliaspen is unable to battle! Ecto-american wins!”

**MATCH 22**

“It’s time to see if Rye’s gonna get their ass kicked by a veteran phighter or kick ass so hard that they gotta call their own medic line,” Nick mused. “Whelp! We’ll see! It’s time for @going-dead versus @ifellbecausegravity!”

Gravity was already suited up for battle, googly eyes at the ready. Rye had their fist up, prepared for anything with a hot cup of coffee in the other. 

“You don’t even know! I’m ready to kick my own butt!” Gravity stated boldly. 

“No worries, I’ll just kick it for you!” Rye assured her with a large grin. 

Gravity lunged forward and slapped some googly eyes on Rye’s coffee cup. Their cup now had an adorably goofy appearance now. 

“Aww,” Rye cooed over the big dumb wiggle eyes. 

“Yeet!” Gravity shrieked. She grabbed Rye by the arm, attempting to fling them out of Denny’s. 

But Rye was an EMT. They were used to this yeet or be yeeted world. They instead held tight onto her hand, pouring coffee onto it to make her let go. Of course, she did to yelp in pain over the hot beverage. This allowed Rye to instead yeet her out of the arena. 

“Well damn! Good thing the medic’s already here! Somebody go fetch Gravity so Rye can give her some treatment for that burn! And also official congratulations! Going-dead is our winner!”

**MATCH 23**

Nick glanced at his arm, reading to himself. 

“So now we have uhhh @what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me and, damn I have cheese and glitter all over my arm, @gosteon! Both are return phighters!” 

“How did you get cheese all over your arm?” Danny asked. 

“Just a side effect of hanging out with Steph,” Nick told him. “Cheese thing is just something that happens whenever you hang out with people from Wisconsin. Like Vlad. Ever notice how everything just has much cheese when he’s around?” A look of recognition hit Danny. 

“That’s where all the cheese that shows up at our house comes from....”

Gos looked exhausted as she stepped in, their Uno card ready. You could just tell from the look in their eyes that she just endured the hell that is working a long shift mopping up the Phight Club arena. Godspeed, Gos. We appreciate the fuck outta you. 

“So, I think it’s time we start making some happy little trees,” their opponent spoke. Stain pulled out their art palette, and began to paint trees onto the arena floor. “Something to brighten your mood, to make you feel happy.”

“Then I’ll just use my reverse uno card like this!” Gos announced. The tree paintings were removed, and the paint job stuck to Stain. Their transparent skin made the artwork look beautiful, and they smiled. The uno reverse didn’t quite work as planned. 

“Thank you! Now please, let me paint you a happy little tree.”

Stain began to paint a cute little nature scenery on Gos’s arm. Gos was smiling as she excitedly admired all the happy trees. 

“...Is this a win? I think this is a win? Most of my phighters end up oddly wholesome, what is this nonsense? Uh, congrats to @what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me though!”

**MATCH 24**

“I came back to announce extra stuff specifically for one key reason,” Nick spoke. 

“...Which was?” Sam questioned. 

“Spoilers but I’m also quickly beginning to suspect that you’re a snitch. Anywho we have.” Nick squinted at the smudged writing on his hand. “@ectoblast and @fandoms-are-for-always!”

“Doooo you really thiinkk yoooou stand any chaannce?” Rin sang, loudly. Her song was ear piercing, and she was already battling right out of the gate. No time to waste, she had a phight to win! Ecto, and most of Denny’s, covered their ears out of instinct from the piercing melody. 

“That song? Not quite. But! Nobody can resist puppies!” Ecto declared. He siced the puppies onto Rin. 

A chorus of excited puppy yapping moved towards Rin as they fumbled and tripped over each other and themselves in their excitement. 

Rin tried to ignore the cute tiny doggos and continue singing. Their fluffy faces, those excited tail wags. But they began to nip excitedly at her shoes. Soon she had to stop and fall to her knees. 

“Oh you’re just too cute!” she squealed. She began to pet and cuddle the puppies. 

“Whelp, that seemed to go smoothly! You held out longer than I would have!” Nick commented. 

“Hey, where are the puppies?” Ecto questioned. 

“The winnter is ectoblast!” Nick declared. He was suddenly sporting Ecto’s trenchcoat that had multiple puppy shaped lumps that wiggled and made small, adorable noises. “I also must leave, immediately. I forgot I had the microwave running, can’t burn the hot pockets.”

**MATCH 25**

“Match 25! @q-gorgeous vs. @fruity-hub-blog, PHIGHT!” Tali shouted into their kazoo.

“Really? That’s it? No dramatic epithets this time?” Tucker asked.

“Frankly I’m surprised you know what the word _epithets_ means. I probably should have considered that before writing it into your dialogue.”

Tucker blinked. “Wait, what?”

“Oh look, phight’s starting!”

Gorgie and Fruity hovered into the ring, armed with a 64-pack of Crayola crayons and a Tamogatchi respectively. Hopefully no harm would come to any electronic creatures during the course of this phight.

“Fruity!!!” Geogie called excitedly. “Look at this!! I got _64 whole crayons!_ That’s like, more than a whole rainbow! Let me show you!”

With a flick of their wrist, the crayons flew out of the box to hover like claws at their fingertips.

“EAT COLORS, FRIEND!”

“Don’t they mean ‘fiend’?” Danny asked.

“Nah,” Tali answered, “their most powerful skill is love and affection.”

Before Georgie could slash their crayon-claws at Fruity, a translucent shield projected from the Tamogatchi. The crayons bounced off the pixelated chicken that flapped there.

“Ooooo, a solid rebuttal! Will the nineties’ technology be enough to save Fruity?” Tali said into the kazoo.

But at that moment, the shield of light glitched, a familiar mulleted head appearing in place of the pixel-chicken.

“Really? Already?” Danny sighed. Of course, he would recognize Technus’s face anywhere, even if it wasn’t for—

“IT IS I, TECHNUS! MASTER OF ELECTRONIC DEVICES AND—”

Gorgie stabbed their crayons into his face, shattering the barrier into a pile of glowing shards. Fruity’s Tamogatchi went dark.

“Aww….” Fruity pouted, sinking to her knees.

“Does that count as a win?” Sam asked. “Technus interfered.”

Tali shrugged. “That’s the price of using technology in the ghost zone.”

They dooted the kazoo. “fruity-hub-blog is unable to battle! q-goregous wins!”

**MATCH 26**

“Wi-fi network has been recalibrated,” Vic said as she reentered the VIP box.

“So _that’s_ why my PDA stopped working,” Tucker mumbled, poking at the device. Tali hadn’t been aware that the real world technology could connect with the ghostly wi-fi at all, but apparently Tucker wasn’t about to get left without Internet access, even in a different dimension.

“Would you rather have that or have Technus hack you?” Tali asked, slurping a peppermint hot chocolate. Reyna had delivered drinks and Rosie’s non-dairy cheesy bread between the rounds, which seemed to satisfy Sam’s desire for vegan options.

“Psh. Technus couldn’t hack me if he _tried._ He’s still running Windows XP.”

“Says the one who still owns a PDA in the year 2020,” Vic pointed out.

“A highly modded, graphically-enhanced, *blah blah blah tech mumble no one cares* PDA.”

“Whatever,” Tali said, not bothering to pretend that they understood. “Match 26: @ghostgothgeek vs. @five-rivers! PHIGHT!”

They two adult ghosts had been flew into the arena. Steph (ghostgothgeek) had a sack slung over her shoulder and was trailed by a blue spectral wolf. Mar (five-rivers) was hovering with the aid of her cardigan, which had split into six patterned wings that fluttered like a mesmerizing dance.

Steph shook off the wings’ thrall, though, and signalled for her wolf to attack. 

“Nice try. Get ‘em, Lie!” Mar grinned, and a small but big-eyed ghost with moth antennae leapt off her shoulder.

“Is this gonna be like a Pokemon battle?” Tucker asked, sitting on the edge of his seat.

Sam hushed him, probably tired of him taking up the limited amount of speaking lines in the drabble.

It was, however, not like a pokemon battle. Tali was pretty sure that eating your opponent wasn’t allowed in those.

The wolf burped loudly. Mar’s eye twitched.

“Lie…”

“That bug thing is gonna respawn, right?” Tucker showed a surprising amount of concern. Maybe he still thought ghosts _were_ like Pokemon.

“Uh… yeah, sure, let’s go with that.” Tali shrugged. Ghost-animal biology and regeneration was not one of their areas of expertise.

“Sorry, Mar.” Steph winced. “Can I offer you some glitter in these trying times?”

Mar nodded, and Steph sprinkled a handful of glitter from her sack on her head.

Tali hummed _The Circle of Life_ into the kazoo. “Five-rivers is unable to battle! Ghostgothgeek wins!”

**MATCH 27**

“She’s so _tiny!”_ Danny laughed as the next phighter flew into the ring, only for Tali to elbow him in the ribs.

“What? This is supposed to be funny, isn’t it?”

“I’m legally obligated to elbow anyone who makes short jokes. Or I can steal your kneecaps. You can make a ghostly tail; you probably don’t need them anyway.”

Tali eyed the kneecaps in question until Danny looked sufficiently unnerved.

To be fair, Hag _was_ fairy sized. The fits-in-the-palm of your hand kind. And she was dragging a gun the size of the Fenton Bazooka.

But still, Tali was never one to miss an opportunity to elbow someone in the ribs.

Ninja flew into the ring from the opposite end, and he was failing to hold back laughter too.

“How are you even gonna _fire_ that thing?” He taunted.

“Hang on, save the trash talk until after I start the match!” Tali said into the voice-amplifying kazoo. “Match 27: @horrendoushag vs. @half-dead-half-wit! PHIGHT!”

“I’ll show you how I’m going fire it,” Hag said. 

With a strength disproportionate to her tiny body, Hag hefted the bazooka up to her shoulder. Ninja flinched as a bright pink light coalesced around the barrel— 

Only to be hit by a giant heart that poofed up into more pink smoke.

Ninja collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

“That was… something,” Sam deadpanned.

“Her gun only shoots hearts,” Tali explained. “Hearts _are_ the most powerful weapon of all.”

They raised the kazoo to their lips— 

But then Ninja was back on his feet (or, rather, back to hovering with his ghostly tail flickering behind him) and slammed what appeared to be a cardboard cutout of “spider danny” at Hag’s face.

Or, well, Hag’s all-of-her. Being incredibly tiny and all.

The bazooka fell from her hands, thudding to the ground.

“Nngh…”

“Aw.” Tali frowned. “The power of hearts lost… Sora would be so disappointed.”

But then she shrugged and played a few notes from _My Heart Will Go On._ “Horrendoushag is unable to battle! Half-dead-half-wit wins!”

**MATCH 28**

“Oooo, this looks like a good one.” Tali leaned forward as the next two phighters entered. Each of them had a long staff-like weapon—one was a tall baguette, and the other appeared to be made entirely out of quarters. “Match 28: @phantombreadproject vs. @ebonyheartnet! PHIGHT!”

“What? Huh? Are we starting??” Dallas (phantombreadproject) asked, closing her eyes and waving her baguette wildly. 

Dorian (ebonyheartnet) flew up to meet her baguette with the staff made of quarters— a quarterstaff, if you will—only for the quarters to scatter on impact.

“Huh?? What was that???” Dallas kept striking despite being startled by the tinkling of the raining quarters.

“Hey—ouch! What the heck is that baguette made of?” Dorian flinched under the carbohydrate assault.

“Uh, sourdough, I think?” Dallas answered before getting in a solid _whack_ to Dorian’s temple. They were instantly knocked unconscious.

“Guess they weren’t _bready_ for that,” Danny said with a too-smug smirk. Tali wasn’t sure whether to laugh or goan, so she settled on just dooting the kazoo.

“Ebonyheartnet is unable to battle! Phantombreadproject wins!”

**MATCH 29**

“Now, _this_ looks promising,” Sam said while grinning at the two vaguely-humanoid-if-you-squinted-a- _lot_ ghosts who entered next. _“This_ is what I expected from ghosts before I found out most of you are just a bunch of dead nerds.”

“You say that like Dee isn’t the biggest nerd of them all.” Tali knew Dee was a fan of Minecraft, and had in fact been on the expedition to raid Technus’s server. But they supposed to an outside observer, the hundreds of eyes scattered across her face would be pretty goth. The bones and teeth that hovered around her certainly held a creepiness factor that could’ve been intimidating.

Ghostchild seemed to think so, judging by the way her not-physical form shuddered and clutched her Santa statue tighter.

“Alright, match 29! qlinq-qhost aka Dee vs. ghostchild-whelp-dipstick-spook! PHIGHT!”

“Would you like to watch Megamind with me?” Ghostchild asked, her shifting blob form straightening taller.

“How about you watch my bones instead?” Dee said from a mouth formed by the floating teeth. One of the hovering bones slammed into the side of Ghostchild’s head—or, well, the approximate area where her head should have been.

“I don’t have eyes.” Ghostchild’s form undulated as she shook off the blow.

“I can lend you some of mine, then,” Dee said, then the teeth formed a frown. “Wait. Then how did you watch all those Dreamworks movies?”

“I linked my consciousness directly to the studio. I can now quote the entire script of the Bee Movie from memory.”

“Please don’t.”

And then, to make sure that Ghostchild wouldn’t even get the opportunity, Dee buried her in a pile of bones and teeth. The molars and incisors, femurs and metacarpals and scapulas all formed an impenetrable barrier that even Ghostchild’s incorporeal form couldn’t leak through.

“Cool.” Sam grinned. Danny and Tucker just shared a concerned glance.

Tali dooted the kazoo. “Ghostchild-whelp-dipstick-spook is unable to battle! qlinq-qhost wins!”

**MATCH 30**

“Oh, come _on,”_ Danny said as the next two ghosts entered. One was cloaked similarly to an Observant and wielded a giant, two-sided scythe. 

The other was a blob ghost with some crayons.

“Hey, don’t doubt the power of crayons,” Tali said. Georgie had already won with that stock weapon, and Tali had a good feeling that this small phighter could too. “Match 30: pipermasters vs. katphantom69! PHIGHT!”

“Awww, aren’t you just the cutest little thing!” Kim (katphantom69) cooed at the blob ghost.their scythe lowered a fraction.

 _“Cute?”_ Piper scoffed in a voice surprising deep for a blob ghost. Maybe they were related to Skulker. “Tell me, is feasting upon the tears of my readers _cute?”_

Kim blinked. “With that face? Probably, yes.”

Piper scowled, hovering into the air on top of their box of crayons. It _was_ cute, like a tiny surfboard… but Tali knew better than to judge the phighters by their appearances.

“Is writing about Danny being dissected by his parents _cute?_ Watching him be cut open and torn apart _molecule by molecule?_ Muscle from bone and ectoplasm from core—”

“Y’know what? I don’t like this match,” Danny said quickly. Tucker and Sam hugged him from both sides, Tucker holding out his empty extra-large hot chocolate mug in case Danny needed somewhere to throw up.

Tali was blinking, surprised at the sharp turn from memeing to angst. But such was the way of the phandom. They were about to intervene for Danny’s sake— a nice round of All Star on the kazoo always brought back the memeing spirit— but Kim was already shuddering under their cloak.

“That’s—that’s so _sad!”_ They wailed.

“Yes, _yes!_ Give me your tears! Y̴̨͒̃o̸̹̮̣̖̽̑̑û̷̩̪̣̈̏̊͂̒̇͊͐̎͗͋̕͝r̷̢̢͔̘̣̜̹͎͂͒͋̅̈̈́̉ ̷͔̺̳͇̖̮̩̟̿̓a̷̛̰̮̖̲̙̦̗ͅn̸̛͇̝͇̭͚̄̓̆̋̕͝g̸̦̥̜͍̟͍̓͗̄͒̍͗̓̕͠s̷̡̛̹͗̋̈́͗͌̃̃̄͘̕͘̚t̸̤̹͚͚͙̒ ̸̢̺̠̺̠̗̰̼̱̺̪̖͖̫̭͐̏̿̉̎̅̂͌̑͂̃͘ş̶͊͋̾͑͝͝u̴̳͉͈̬̤̙̜̅s̶̹̪̬̱̖͆̈́̌́̔̈́̓̈̑̈̾̿͂̕t̵̢̠̬̠̘̿́͑̉̅̂̄͊͊͝͝a̴̛̛̜̞̞͕͙̪̎̽̈́͐͋͑͒̈́͑ͅī̸̯̰̫̳̗̬͚̹̘̘̜͖̖̰̰n̸̡̙͔͚͍̂͆̐̉͂̾͋̿̒̄͂͒̏͘͝s̶͙̟̺̤͇̮͖̗̺̼̮̫̤̉͐͂̄̒ͅ ̶͕̰̪̰̗̙̻̫̰͍͔̑͐̈́̽͐͋͘͘͜m̴̡̛̛͚̟͎̱͖̜̙̅͊̀̓͂͒͛͗̌̈̓̕e̵̡̙̠͎͚̙͉̞̥͔̔́̒̈́̅̋͒̂̑̚ͅ!̵̛͓̠̈̓̆̑́̉̍̐̄̋̕̕̕”̵̧̲̻̬̮͇̱̰͛́͐͗̑͜

With the two-hit combo of angsty headcanons and cursed text, Pipermasters drained the tears from Kim’s eyes— and along with them, the strength to fight. Kim collapsed to the stadium floor.

“Pour one out for katphantom69,” Tali said with a somber note on the kazoo. “Pipermasters wins!”

**MATCH 31**

Tali laughed as the next phighter crabwalked into the arena. Their opponent, in an uncanny similarity to Dallas, wielded a loaf of bread like a sword. 

Tali thought this about every phight, but this was _definitely_ going to be a good one.

“Alright, phools! Next up is @lumanae vs. @confusedandghostly! PHIGHT!”

Luma immediately whipped two pool noodles out of thin air. Lyla (confusedandghostly) didn’t wait to see what their plan was; they started chucking hard candy from across the arena.

“Sweet, looks like the janitors will have something to eat after the phight.” Tali grinned.

“Was that meant to be a pun?” Danny asked.

“Nope. I can only make puns on accident. Which is sad, because I love puns.”

Danny grinned back and offered a fistbump, while Sam and Tucker rolled their eyes. Well, it wasn’t Tali’s fault they couldn’t appreciate a comedy form that made everyone around them want to die. Puns were popular among ghosts for precisely that reason.

But the phight was more important than puns right now. Luma had dodged the spray of candy, and managed to twist the pool noodles together to create a silly hat.

“That’s sexy as hell,” Tali said, as she had previously been bribed to.

But Lyla hadn’t been bribed. They swooned and fainted onto the stadium floor all on their own.

“Confusedandghostly is unable to battle! Lumanae wins!”

Luma grinned. _“That’s_ sexy as hell.”

**MATCH 32**

A hush swept over the arena. Even Tali’s incessant desire to kazoo at every opportunity calmed somewhat, though as soon as the next phighter entered, the subconscious need to play Darude Sandstorm punched her.

It would have to wait at least a few more minutes. She still needed to announce the phighters.

“Alrights, gents, gals, and nonbinary pals, it’s the match you’ve all been waiting for! Last year’s third place winner @lexosaurus vs. the rising starr of shitposting, @imperfection-at-itsfinest! Many bets are hinging on this match, so I’ll shut up and let them get down to business—”

“To defeat the Huns,” Danny, Sam, and Tucker chimed in simultaneously.

“You know, I walked into that one. And it’s a good reference so I’m not even mad.” She was maybe slightly disappointed she hadn’t made it herself, though. “Anyway! PHIGHT!”

Tali began kazooing Darude Sandstorm as Lexx heelyed towards her opponent, twirling her danno on a stick on one finger like a fidget spinner.

“I’ve heard some good things about you,” Lexx said to Cement (imperfection-at-itsfinest), who was drinking marbles out of a skittles jar. Tali hadn’t even known skittles _came_ in jars.

“I’m heard some good things about you too.” Cement smirked. They already looked almost exactly like Danny, but with that face, they could’ve been clones. “Mainly how good your face will look smashed against the concrete.”

“Ooooooo,” Tali paused her kazooing to say, but quickly started up again.

“Really? Your name’s ‘Cement’ and you went with _concrete?_ Where’s your sense of punmanship?” Danny lamented.

“Not bad, not bad,” Lexx said. “But I think your trash talk’ll sound better from _above_ the ring, ya feel me?”

With that, Lexx swung her danno on a stick, intending to yeet Cement out of the arena.

But then, the unthinkable happened.

The stick _shattered on impact._

“What…?” Lexx gaped at the splinters she now held in her hands. “Danno boy…”

“The phights, the phights are calling,” Tali sang somberly. “Is it over for tumblr user lexosaurus?”

“I think there’s a 100% chance that Lexx loses this match,” Cement fabricated the statistic, but after grabbing Lexx by the collar of her flannel and hurling her out of the ring, the statistic became a reality.

The crowd went berserk with cries of both excitement and horror.

Cement bowed to the mixed crowd. “Thank you, it pays to have a body made of solid concrete.”

“What an upset!” Tali laughed before switching her kazoo to walkie-talkie mode. “Hey, Vic? Can you rescue Lexx before Walker shows up? … K, thanks.”

She cleared her throat. “You saw it here first, pholks! Lexosaurus is unable to battle! Imperfection-at-itsfinest wins!”

**MATCH 21**

“Alright frootloops, it’s the last match of the night! I wanna see you guys make it count!” Tali called down into the ring below. Danny, Tucker, and Sam leaned forward in their seats. It was getting late, and they’d probably want to be home in time to get some rest before school tomorrow. At least Danny likely wouldn’t have to worry about fighting any ghosts tonight since so many of them were in the audience here.

“Stepping up with an excellent taste in music is @ohgodwhyisitreal!”

The speakers began blasting the nightcore remix of Cascada’s Every Time We Touch. Tali couldn’t help dancing along with embarrassing arm motions in her seat. The trio scooted away from her slightly to avoid getting whacked.

“And his opponent, the amazing ghost who read my 150k Kingdom Hearts OC fic in the year of our Lord 2019: @spookyscaryphantoms!”

“At least they’re not talking about dissection fic this time,” Danny muttered under his breath.

“PHIGHT!”

Spooks Malone (ohgodwhyisitreal) raised his arms, and the nightcore remix suddenly blared so loud that the soundwaves became visible, as could only happen in the realm of cartoon logic.

“Geez, even _I_ can’t appreciate that!” Tucker shouted. “And I _like_ nightcore!”

“Same, bro,” Tali replied. How they could hear each other over the blasting music was also a miracle of cartoon logic.

“Where did Sunsi go?” She asked. Sunsi (spookyscaryphantoms) didn’t look like they were in the arena— had they been yeeted out already?

“Under there!” Sam pointed to a hairline crack in the arena floor. Hadn’t the janitors patched that up? Well, that was what they got for flooring the stadium with cobblestone instead of something like diamond, Tali guessed.

Sunsi’s form seeped back up out of the crack, their blue mohawk appearing first and their ghostly tail flickering out last.

“Nice try!” They shouted before ripping open a packet of hot chocolate and flinging it in Spooks Malone’s face.

The music crackled as Spooks wiped their palms against their eyes. “Agh! What is this— cinnamon??”

“It’s like pepper spray, but tastier.” Sunsi licked their fingers as Spooks Malone flew into a wall, knocking himself out.

“An excellent battle with an excellent— if deafening— soundtrack,” Tali commented before blowing her kazoo. “Ohgodwhyisitreal is unable to battle! Spookyscaryphantoms wins!”

Sunsi blew kisses to the crowd that was slowly exiting the stadium.

XXX

“Thanks for tuning in to round 1! Come back on Thursday the 16th for more yeeting, rants about Mario Kart, and other phandom shenanigans! And be sure to stay hydrated and get plenty of sleep!”

“I think you should take your own advice there,” Danny told Tali while taking Sam and Tucker’s arms in preparation for the flight home.

“You know what, I think I will.”

Tali spread out her coat on the VIP box floor and immediately passed out.


	2. Round 2

“Welcome, welcome, gamer ghosts! Step on up and place your bets on who will—”

_“TECHNUS!”_ Tali shouted, flying towards the small table set up in the Denny’s parking lot. (Why there was a parking lot, they didn’t know. It wasn’t like there were a lot of cars in the Ghost Zone. But it was a decent place for waiting for Mothman, and it contained enough spectral energy to mask the Stadium hiding behind it.)

“What?” Technus scowled behind his shades—he’d replaced his normal rectangular ones with bigger round ones probably meant to make him look mysterious. “You’re holding an illegal fight ring! Can’t I at least take bets? I’ve made an algorithm to determine the most competent gamers—”

“One. This isn’t a video game tournament.” Tali sighed. “Two, this is round, well, _two._ You can’t just take bets now! We already did that!”

“We did?” Technus frowned. “Why didn’t you invite me?”

Because they’d been worried about Technus finding out about the stolen Minecraft blocks in the stadium infrastructure. But hadn’t Technus found out already? He’d hijacked one of the matches in Round 1, but maybe that had just been for fun? He certainly didn’t _seem_ angry. Just disappointed.

“Uhh… because… it was a surprise!” Tali lied. “Round one is where we work out all the kinks, anyway. You should come see round two! That’s where all the _real_ gamer ghosts are!”

Tali wanted to smack their forehead. They were no good at lying, but inviting Technus into the stadium? He’d find out for sure!

“Really?” Technus grinned, clutching his gloved hands together beneath his chin. “Perfect! What are we waiting for? Show me the ghosts who will blow me away with their sheer fighting prowess!”

Abort, _abort!_ But once Technus had an idea in his head, he didn’t stop until removed by force. And the security team was currently more occupied with keeping out Vlad, who’d somehow managed to catch wind of the 2020 tournament despite the flyers being designed to disintegrate upon reaching a 30-foot radius of him.

Anyway. Compared to dealing with Vlad, surely Tali could handle Technus for one round?

“Alright. But just so you know, Danny Phantom will be there too. You have to play _nice.”_

“Pshh. I can be _nice._ I am the CHAMPION of being nice! FEAR MY GROOVY POWERS OF NICENESS!”

Tali facepalmed. “Sure. Right. Whatever.”

This was going to be an interesting round, at least.

XXX

**MATCH 13**

Danny had objected loudly to Technus joining them in the VIP box, but true to the electronic ghost’s word, he’d “played nice.” Technus kept trying to engage the younger ghost in a debate on the merits of Fortnite versus Minecraft, but Danny was keeping his opinions, whatever they were, to himself. Tali vaguely considered asking Technus if he’d ever played Kingdom Hearts, but considering they couldn’t afford to spend the next three hours on a tangent about that, they kept quiet.

At least Technus hadn’t realized the Minecraft blocks surrounding them were stolen yet. Maybe there was still hope for this round to go smoothly.

“Alright frootloops, finish placing your orders, head to your seats, and get ready for the first match of the evening! Hailing from the Far Frozen, a ghost who doesn’t need sound to strike fear into the hearts of mortal and ghost alike, it’s Gorgi!”

Applause shook the stadium, and a few ghosts tossed broken crayons into the ring like confetti.

“And their opponent, a mysterious ghost from the Ectoplasmic Expanse, only known to be summoned by the dulcet tunes of the Jonas Brothers—it’s Steph!”

More applause, plus someone blasting “Year 3000” out of an old boombox.

“Ooh, I love this song!” Technus said before pulling out some dance moves that belonged back in the 80s.

Tali liked the song too, and it was hard not to join in the horrible dancing. Maybe that would be Steph’s secret weapon?

“PHIGHT!”

Gorgi quickly summoned their crayon-claws and lunged for Steph’s wolf, who had been the main weapon in her last match. The claws cut a hole in the wolf’s pelt that leaked… glitter?

“Ouch.” Technus winced. “Those crayons _hurt.”_

Right, he’d interfered in Gorgi’s match last time, not that he’d helped their opponent much. Maybe it was better to have Technus here where Tali could keep an eye on him.

“Better check again, Technus.” Danny smirked, pointing down at the wolf. They’d recovered and were now running circles around Gorgi, trailing glitter as they did. The music swelled with each lap, until “ _NOT MUCH HAD CHANGED BUT THEY LIVED UNDERWATER”_ threaten to deafen them.

Maybe Tali needed to enforce a noise limit. But where was the fun in that?

“Ah… what are you…?” Gorgi fell to their knees.

Steph smirked. “Sending you to the year 3000, friend. Tell me if the Jonas Brothers have outsold Kelly Clarkson.”

With that, the ring of glitter swirled into a portal that sucked Gorgi through.

“Wow, the year 3000? _Imagine_ the kind of technology they have there! I wonder if I’ve taken over the world by then.” Technus beamed as he lost himself in his imagination.

“Keep dreaming.” Danny rolled his eyes.

Tali played a few notes of Burnin’ Up on the kazoo, just for variety. “Gorgi is unable to battle! Steph wins!”

**MATCH 14**

“On to match 14! Introducing the Far Frozen’s friendly neighborhood gremoblin: Ninja!”

In the audience, several ghosts held up signs with the words “dead” “half” and “wit,” but they were so disorganized, no one would be able to tell they were meant to spell half-dead-half-wit. They might have been able to pass it off as some kind of modern art statement, though.

“And his opponent: a knight of Pariah’s Empire, the wielder of the legendary Baguette Blade herself: Dallas!”

This time the signs read “phantom” “bread” and “project,” but those were even more indecipherable. Maybe Honeden had gotten tipsy on the distilled ectoplasm before this round.

“PHIGHT!”

Ninja tucked his hand under his jacket, then whipped out throwing stars with blinding speed. Or wait—those weren’t throwing stars, they were… 

“Ooooh, dank memes.” Technus nodded sagely. “Always a good way to throw a glitch in the matrix.”

“Ugh, it’s the spider pose again.” Danny dropped his head into his hands. 

Tali squinted and adjusted her glasses. He was right: the throwing stars had the cursed image of Danny’s crouching form plastered onto them. They were pretty sure Vic had brought that monstrosity into being sometime since the last Phight Club.

Dallas batted aside the first few memes, but each one put a dent in her dense stick of bread.

“You got this, Dallas!” Aster shouted from the crowd.

Dallas fell into a more solid stance, drawing power from her friend’s encouragement. But would it be enough?

“Alright, this is it!” Ninja shouted. Then, in a ploy much like Jigglypuff using Rest in Super Smash Bros, he lost consciousness. His last act was to hurl one more throwing star as he collapsed to the ground.

The meme-infused star exploded on contact with the Baguette Blade. Tali leaned forward and wiped her glasses, but the smoke was too thick—who had come out on top?

When the smoke finally cleared, The stick of bread was smoking and charred on the ground. Ninja wobbled unsteadily to his feet before falling on top of Dallas with a weak thumbs-up.

“Never doubt the power of memes.” Technus grinned.

Tali dooted the beginning of the Danny Phantom theme on the kazoo. 

“Dallas (phantombreadproject) is unable to battle! Ninja (half-dead-half-wit) wins!”

**MATCH 15**

“Oh geez, it’s the teeth ghost again,” Danny muttered.

“Which one?” Tali asked before glancing down at the arena. “Ohhh, Dee. There’s so many teeth ghosts, you’ve gotta be more specific.”

“What’s the deal with teeth, anyway?”

Tali shrugged. “Who knows? I think I’ve had mine stolen enough times to stop being attached. Anyway! As we already pointed out, from the Temporal Domain, a ghost whose collection of teeth is only rivaled by the amount of eyes contained in her form: it’s Dee, aka qlinq-qhost!”

“I still don’t know how you pronounce that.”

“It’s like clink-clost. I mean, that’s how I say it, anyway.” Another shrug. “And her opponent: a blob ghost from the Observant’s Keep who’s ready to feast on your tears: Pipermasters! PHIGHT!”

“Mm. Tears. I’ve got plenty of teeth to eat those with.” Dee’s giant floating mouth grinned.

“You don’t _eat_ tears, idiot, you _drink_ them,” Piper practically snarled. Their pen was bared, primed and ready to draw Angst™ into existence.

“Tomato, potato.” Dee shrugged before her jaws rushed towards Piper.

Piper, being a tiny blob ghost, was able to squeeze through the gap just before the teeth snapped shut.

“You’ll have to do better than that. Vore may be a meme, but ghost hunger still falls under the Angst™ category. It has no effect on me, the Monarch of Angst!”

“Did they just make that up?” Danny asked.

“Of course! There’s no greater power than creating your own titles! Why do you think I announce myself as TECHNUS, MASTER OF TECHNOLO—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Danny rolled his eyes. “Not like it ever helped you beat me.”

“ _Hey!_ I came closer than anyone else, ghostchild!”

“Ladies, ladies, you’re both pretty. Now shut up.” Tali shoved both ghosts back into their respective seats. She’d been sitting in the middle to keep them from bickering, but it clearly hadn’t done enough.

Meanwhile, Dee was still attempting to make her disembodied jaw vore Piper, with limited success. A few of Piper’s crayons got caught in the molars, clogging them with splotches of red and green and blue. But Piper still had enough to power their little flying crayon-raft.

Finally, Piper swooped under the gaping maw, straight for Dee.

“Fly swift and true, my pen! Bring tears to the eyes of my readers!”

Piper launched their pen, and it flew directly into one of Dee’s many eyes.

“WAHHHHHHH!” Dee cried, tears gushing from every eye. The flood pushed Piper back, but they remained floating on their crayon-raft.

“And thus angst prevailed, and vore expired.” Tali bowed her head before playing a somber tune on the kazoo. “Qlinq-qhost is unable to battle! Pipermasters wins!”

**MATCH 16**

“You seem like you don’t want to be here.” Technus noticed, leaning on Tali’s armrest to talk to Danny. “What brought you to a fight in the Ghost Zone, anyway? Did you think it was a video game tournament too?”

“No. And I am having a good time; I’m just tired. Finals are killer.”

Tali nodded in agreement. “Mod Vic’s living-sona has to take phinals today. Can we get an F in the chat for her?”

“F,” Technus said.

“F,” Danny agreed emphatically.

“Ph,” Lexx said, appearing behind Tali in a jumble of glitched boxes. Danny nearly jumped into Tali’s lap.

“Oh, hey Lexx. What brings you here?”

“Just wanted to see how the ghost who beats me holds up in the next round. Scootch over, Danno.” She wedged herself in between Danny and Tali.

“Fair enough.” Tali cleared her throat before speaking into the kazoo. “Match 16! From the Medieval Province, a phighter who’s skills are as solid as their rock-hard body, it’s imperfection-at-itsfinest, aka Cement!”

Marbles rained down from the cheering audience.

“And their opponent also from the Medieval Province, the most Rockin’ Lobster themself, it’s Lumanae!”

There was some confused cheering over the background music. Confused, because no ghost had shown up in the ring.

“Is this some kind of sneak attack?” Cement wondered, scanning the arena.

“Sorry I’m late!” Luma burst from the side of the ring, their arms full of snapping crabs.

“Apology accepted. PHIGHT!”

Cement didn’t give Luma a chance to catch their breath. Scuttling across the arena wall, they shot a jet of marbles out of their mouth.

Luma crabwalked out of the way before dropping the armful of crustaceans.

“That’s not very sexy,” they muttered under their breath.

The crabs scattered towards Cement, crawling up the wall only to be shot down by another spray of marbles.

“ _Very_ unsexy. So much for Same Realm Rights.”

“As if I’d have loyalty to you just because we’re both from the Medieval Province,” Cement said, though it came out garbled around their mouthful of marbles.

Before Luma’s crabs could regroup, Cement vomited one cannonball-sized marble that bowled Luma over.

“I think this deserves an F in the chat too,” Tali said.

“Ph,” Lexx agreed.

“The king is dead,” Luma murmured with the last of their strength. “Long live the king.”

Their crabs congregated to carry their unconscious form out of the arena. Cement bowed from their place standing on the wall.

Tali played a few notes from _Pony is Dead, Long Live Pony_ on the kazoo. 

“Lumanae is unable to battle! Imperfection-at-itsfinest wins!”

**MATCH 8**

“…What on Earth is that.” Danny shuddered.

“W–just because I’m not as cash money as Tali doesn’t mean I’m not cool!” sputtered tumblr user lumanae.

“That’s neat and all, but I was actually referring to the ghost scuttling out of the ghost dumpster.”

“Oh. OH!” Luma bolted out of their ghost inflatable pool chair. “Sorry, gotta go, I’ve gotta announce or something????”

“Sounds good to me,” Danny replied, settling in.

“And now,” Luma shouted over their ghost 1920s-esque microphone carrying loads of sex appeal, “we have match eight!”

The crowd roared.

“He’s green. He’s mean. He has an ornamental belt made of teeth he’s heisted. It’s [@canofspooks](https://tmblr.co/mdUGE7fDIXm5Fn4x2n3dHQg)!”

Spooks obligingly flopped around in their ghost trash puddle, akin to a beached Wii Play Mystery Fish.

A second ghost emerged from the crowd, chortling at the fabricated pie charts in her hand.

“Oh! Oh ho ho!” Luma exclaimed. “It’s the bureaucracy! It’s @dantheectoman !”

Red Wraith struck a secretarial pose.

“Get ready to be… penciled out!” She brandished her green ghost latte.

“Is that matcha, or just an inherent property of the ghost!descriptor? Like Scribblenauts?” Luma mused.

“It is green! And soon,” Red Wraith pointed at the still-flopping Spooks,“ you will be too!”

“Yeah. yeah That’s fair,” replied Spooks. He crunched his bones weakly.

Red Wraith stalked towards the trash ghost. “Prepare to be… decaffeinated!”

She stopped at his head, and tilted her ghost latte upside down. It splashed in a solid stream on Spooks’s head.

“Oh no…” He gurgled. “My one weakness! Java!”

“I knew you were a filthy bedrock edition player,” grumbled Technus, who was apparently still in the arena.

“My confidence… dissolving… my constitution… still trash-like…” Spooks moaned, before dissolving into goo.

“That settled that! Spooks is unable to fight! Red Wraith wins!” Luma exclaimed.

Red Wraith preened.

“…Can I have Vic back?” pleaded Danny.

**MATCH 4**

“Okay, so round two! The list of phighters is slowly windling down, the losers are now dead.”

“...Aren't you guys all already dead?” Sam questioned, a tad worried.

“Wow you're fun police too,” Nick complained. “Anywho, it's James the intern up against Bug! Will James's manager status work against Bug's love?”

“Wait, that's the guy that Vlad killed,” Danny commented in slight horror. “Can we like, talk to him, and report this to the poli-”

“Snitches get stitches, bitches,” Nick interrupted him.

“H̵̢͎̬̥̼͍̜̹̯̤̖̫̿̅e̴̻̺̤͍̬̝̹̠̍̀͜l̴̨͓̠̮̥̝̠̥̪̜̞̮͖̓̽͘͜l̵̛̳̝̳̋̂̒̃̋̀͑̄̇̏̕͜͜͠ơ̶̹̇́͝,̶͉̟̰͌̓͛͗̋̽̒̋̚͝͝͠ ̴̝̫̫̝̩̻̖̣̩̻̽͋̌̀̋̈́͛̕͠͝w̴̧̛͓̲̣̭͉̫̠̠̥̩͕̲̭͋͂̃́̋̌̕͠ȇ̵͓̹̖̯͇̟̣̈͋̔̃̾̕͜͝l̴̨̛̝͙͙̦̗̘̦͂̋̿͒̏́̃͂̓̄̾͒͝ͅͅç̶̭̫̝͍͓̥̻̺̭̯̘̯̳̊̀͆̌̈́͆͝o̷̢̧̙̦̗̺̲̙̹̙̗͑͆̂̋̓́̋͐̐̚͝m̷̫̜͕̆ȩ̴̛̻̻͚͚̖̣̗̖̺̩͌̈́̋͊̆͜ ̵͉̰̮̍̿̂͝t̵̡̻̥͔͔̣̻͎̟̯̤̻͛͜ò̷̦͉̙͑̓̿̄̾̄ ̵̡̢̜̰͓͉̻̻͈̫̮͒͌̀̎̂̀̆̔͌̾͋͝͝D̷̡̲͖͕͉͔̦̈́̀ͅȅ̵̢̨͙͔̟̘̝͇̥̌̂͠ͅņ̸̛̖̯̎͊̓̿̐̾̎n̷̖̫̏y̸̨̬͈̣͙̟̦̠̥̘̒̋̓̈́'̶͕̥͌̒ş̶̢̙̘͓͈̠̩̟̖̗̎͜,̷̢̨̢͉͚̲͇̮̩͓̰̦̺͌͗̈́͆͠ ̴̢̨̰̭̩̣̥̗͍͖͇̋̓̆͊͛̓ͅḩ̷̛͕̲̮̘̖͉̠̞̒̎̈́̓̽̾ǫ̶̦̯̈̓͌́̇̓̚w̷͇̲̳͍̺̩̝̄́͋̎͋̑̿̌͒̅̾͆͌̕͠ ̸̨̢̳̪̑̀̍̈̋͛͊̓̔̐͌͝c̴͈͈̱͈̙͖͎̒͂͒͐̆̃͗͠a̵̗̪̩̞͔͎̤̤̥̜̥̩̺͓̎̓͛̌̌͒̎̽̽̿͋̎̈̿͘͜ṋ̴͕̺̊ ̶̨̡͎͚̭̪̿͂̐̈́̽͝Ï̶̧̨̡̙̰̙͕̹͕̠̼̠̩͕̣̉ ̵̨̛̛̺̫̭͉͓̊͒͋̀̿́̉̆̈́͘͝ḩ̶͓̤̻͓̖̙̰͙̬̝͇̗͔̑̆̊̈́̅͂͌̄͂͘͜͝e̸̢̧͕̰̟̜̩͇̦̬̥̥͓̒͐͐͗̃̊̅̔̎̐̋͋̕͜͝ļ̸̧̨̡̭͔͈̖̩͖͚̮̬͔̮̿͐͗ṗ̸̨͓̜̇̃͛͒̊̄̑ ̷̲͎͖̙͇̫̋̏̀y̶̝̠̙̫̼̝̘͉͋̆̇́̌̃̽̍̄̚̕̕̚o̷̹̜̙͔̗̬̦͚̜͔̍̄͂͛̊̆̉̉u̸̡̦͇̻̙̟͔̥͎̘̒͌̒̄̓?̵̦̰̟̼̐͘͠” he questioned.

Bug was instantly a bit startled by such haunting words. But words were her own powerful skill too, on the opposite spectrum, and she smiled warmly at him.

“James, I think you're a great phighter,” she complimented him. James was unfazed by such compliments. After working retail, words just went right through you as your soul is numb to whatever is being spoken to you while on the clock.

“W̴̨̡͎̰͎̏́̿͐͒͛̉͗o̸̹̼̮̞̓̄̓̉̓̽͊̓̊̋̄̕̚͘͝ų̶͔͙̦̪͕͆̈l̵̟̪̝̱̏̈̐̃͗́̉̍͛̽͑̃͋d̶͉͙̘̟̜͉͓̃̐̎͌̑͐̈́͛̿̑ͅ ̵̛̛̹̹̖̠̫͔̤̝̼͍̘̋̽́̈́̿̃̐͗͠y̴̻̹͎̦̰̒͒̓ō̵̘͗̌̍̓̀͌͐͋̆͘̚ȗ̶̢̧̪͍͎̲͙̳̲̰͚͉̺̭̰̉̐́̀ ̷̡͉̪̖̯̮̙̱̯͎̠̽̍̎̂̋̾̕̕ļ̷̛̘̞̩͍̗̝̹͓̩̮͎̪̆̒̂̾͜ͅḯ̸̡̨̛̯͈̖̙̬͖͕̦̑̓̄͗̊͠k̴̛̭̮̼̗̍͌̌̽̃̌͆͒͌̇̉̕e̸̤̜̤̭̦̰̻͒̾͑̉̂͗͋͆͘̚͜͝ ̴̡̛͖̩̩̺̱̥̝͍̲̽̒̈́̌̓̕̚ţ̷̧̡̤͉̭̞̱̻̐͆̂̚̚o̵̧͎̥̗͇̊͆̉̌͠ ̴̡̰̙̖͇͇̖͓̪̠̘̟̈͊̀͗̄͌̂͘̕͠ͅs̷̮͚͂̌͗͛̆̓͑̅͑̐̿̆̉͜͜í̷̡̙̦͙̱͚̹̼̼̩͖͚̞͓̀̽̓͒̀g̸̨̠̜̺̔̑̋́̄͋͋̂̄n̴̢͙͔̗̝̭͌͋̿̋̋̅̓̈͊̌ ̸̧̛̙͔͍̻̫̝̣̿̍̃̌̃͊͘ͅͅȗ̵̧͖̝̜̺̺̦̲͓͓̰̗p̵̡̭̯̲̮͒͆̓̂̿̕͠ ̸̠̦̞̘̝̬̻͚̟̘͙̭͖̫̱͑̆͒̅͐̚͝͝͠f̵͔̳͖̾̇̇͑̿̾̐͐̊̀͒͐͛̒̚o̵̢̨͇̘͆̐̇͒̿̍̉͐̕͝r̶̭͖̥̪̠̮͕̼͙̦̙̲̼̽̃͒͌̚͜ ̸͇͍̟̟̯̘̥͈͙̩̰̿̄̄̊̎̍̎̍̚͜ǫ̷̨̧̗̙̖͍̗̟̹̩̳̲̯͛̂̉͊̋͝ű̶̡̗̙̪̠̤̹͂̄͛̎͌̒r̶̡̛͖̬͎̅͋̎̒͑͂̓̏̔̏͌̚͜ ̸̢̦͚̯̩̭̣̑͊̃͋̂̆̄̽̽̔̊͘r̸͖͈̝̪̟͓̗̤̥̰̱͙͇̔ͅͅe̵̮͔̓͊́͆̉̿̇̋͒̏̈͂̚͝ẇ̸͈̜͖͈͠͠ą̶̡̱̩̺̫̤̳̱͍͐̅͒̆͑͛̓̈́̍ŗ̷̨̨̛̥͎̪̭͙̰͓̼̺̬̖̿̇̈́͐̂̓̏͑͝d̴̡̼̲͒͋̒̏͜͝͝s̸̡̧̻͕̬͗̑͌͐̊́̃̇̒͊̕͝ ̶͕͉̱̙̻͙̱͉̦̠͕͖̒̾̈́̅̇̐̒̕͠p̵̛̰̘̌͒͒͊̂͗̒̆͘͠r̵̭̻͙͍̙͍͇̪̙̉o̴̡̨̡͍̰̯̫͓̰̥̤̖̐̈́̐̋̉̆̇̄̽̕͜͜͜g̶͙͔̻͓̰̗̝͔̏́̋̃̾͒͑̊̐̑̎͑̚̕͝r̵̢̛̰̱̤͓̠̺̪̖̰̥͍̫̤̆͒͛͝ạ̷̧̡̎̿̏͘m̶̗̤̗̦͔̖̽̍͛̐̀̉͝͠?̷̡̗̭̙̩͈̗̖̩͖̗̥͈͚̋̍͒̿̓̈́͆̃̓͝” James asked. Wow, she wasn't used to such...indifference to her words. She tried a different tactic.

Bug pulled out her trophy from last year and wacked James on the head with it. He instantly went down, and he stayed down. Bug stared down at the other ghost, a bit shocked.

“Um....wow somebody please come check on him? But reallydumbdannyphantomaus wins!”

**MATCH 5**

“Look, can I just make sure there's security with me this round?...Yeah, she fucking vibe checked me, and it took you guys forever to come help me...No, I refuse to not make fun of the pillow...Because it's baffling that it won against minecraft!...Whatever, just send somebody please.”

Nick hung up a phone, and he glanced over to see Danny staring oddly at him. Nick sighed, and forced him to come over to him.

“You'll do,” Nick grumbled. And he finally actually announced, “And now! It's time for Aurora versus Ectolights!”

Since it worked for her last time, Ectolights began throwing her crayons like darts. Aurora used her pillowcase to block the attacks. Aurora swung her weapon at Ectolights, and the other dodged. She was still in high spirits, since she was absolutely just glad to be here, and she used the close encounter as a chance to stab Aurora with crayons when she could.

Aurora dropped her pillowcase, grabbing Ectolights's wrists. She twirled with her in a circle twice before flinging her out of the arena with the loud shriek of “VIBE CHECK!”

Ectolights went flying, out of the Denny's, and into the Zone.

“And uh...auroraphantasma wins...so guess I'll be seeing her again next round...Security please go find Ectolights.”

He felt a presence behind him. Ah, fuck.

“You can never escape me or the pillowcase,” she threatened. Nick shoved Danny at her and ran.

**MATCH 6**

“Anri and Zelan, y'all are up!” Nick announced.

Like last time, there was a ghost that stood out in the crowd that had a big sign of support for Zelan. The fiancee, who was already actively cheering.

“Love will overpower anything else, and I have my amazing partner's support and love!” Zelan declared.

“Love may be powerful, but do you think they're as powerful as Trans Rights?” Anri grinned. Instantly, they pulled out a danno edit, a trans meme based one. Zelan gasped. Trans Rights were incredibly powerful. Especially when paired with a danno edit.

“No matter, did you know that [insert trans related warriorcats info Nick is too much of an uneducated thot to know]?” Zelan asked.

“Nope, but don't need to! I'm gay, and I'm gonna do ghrime (ghost crime)!” Anri declared, and they pulled out a danno on a stick. Their shirt had changed as well to reflect their gay ghost crime meme. With a hard swing of the danno, they hit Zelan, and they went flying.

“Ah, fuck, it's a Code Danno Stick again,” Nick spoke hastily. “All security and EMT to the arena immediately. And heyheyitsstillgay wins!”

**MATCH 7**

Nick put a mouth guard in. Tucker stared at him oddly.

“We have somebody up that steals teeth, so unless you wanna have used teeth from the Teeth Bucket,” Nick began before nodding at some mouth guards, courtesy of Denny's during matches with teeth thieves. Just in case.

The trio immediately put mouth guards in.

“Alrighty, now it's time for Black Ice to square up against PhantomRoyalty!” Nick announced cheerfully.

Black Ice wasted no time, and soon in the blink of an eye, was on the other side of PhantomRoyalty.

“Oh god, my teeth!” PhantomRoyalty cried out, clutching their jaw. They were in pain, but no matter...they drew in a new set of teeth. Black Ice stared in disbelief, and they rushed to try and steal them again.

PhantomRoyalty dodged, and they quickly drew themselves a shield. As Black Ice turned to charge again, PhantomRoyalty shieldbashed them. While Black Ice was temporarily stunned, Phantom Royalty drew an oversized hammer, and with a powerful swing, hit them hard, sending the ghost flying.

“And PhantomRoyalty wins! Both the match and free new, unused teeth!”

**MATCH 4**

“Oh look, it’s the winner of the bake-off round,” Tali said as the next two phighters entered the ring.

“Bake-off?” Technus scoffed. “You could have a _bake-off,_ but no video game tournament?”

“I think one of the rounds was a video game tournament, kind of. Pretty sure there was Mario Kart involved. Which personally victimized Nick somehow.”

“F,” Technus said.

“F,” Danny agreed automatically, before realizing what he was doing.

“Anyway! First up in Match 4, from the Far Frozen, she’s a kindred spirit with good taste in instruments: it’s Em-sta!”

Em-sta dooted her kazoo as she waved to the cheering crowd.

“Oh no, there’s another one.” Danny groaned, but Tali just laughed.

“And her opponent from the Temporal Domain, bringing her Time Scarf and airpods back into the ring: It’s Shinyspooks, aka Lyna!”

Lyna threw her scarf over her shoulder with a flourish.

“PHIGHT!”

“GET ‘EM!” Lyna said. Get-em. Get Em. Because she was getting Em… Tali laughed too much at their own incredibly stupid pun.

The time scarf obeyed the command, unfurling to wrap around Em’s neck.

“No!” She pulled at the soft fabric as the colors around began to fade to black and white. Because that’s what happens when you get sent back in time, obviously.

But Em still had one trick left up her sleeve. She managed to raise her kazoo to her lips.

_Every Time We Touch_ buzzed from the tiny instrument. Sparks flew from Lyna’s airpods.

“But… but that’s _my_ song!” Lyna wailed.

“Not anymore!” Em cackled as the scarf loosened. Color bled back into the stadium.

The airpods exploded, bathing Lyna in smoke that knocked her unconscious.

Em dooted her kazoo at the same time Tali did to end the match.

“Shinyspooks is unable to battle! Em-sta wins!”

**MATCH 12**

“Alright hoes—”

“Hoe is a gardening tool,” Sam said.

“When did you even get here?” Tali asked.

“You summoned me with your incorrect gardening knowledge.”

“She does that,” Danny explained, lounging back in his chair and sipping an ectoplasm smoothie.

“Whatever.” Tali shook her head. “Alright, _hoes,_ it’s time for match 12! First up is the embodyment of Bob Ross themselves, what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me, aka Stain!”

Stain twirled their paintbrush to the crowd’s applause.

“And their opponent, a creature from the Temporal Domain who has all the phighting instincts of both ghost and beast: give it up for Ectoblast!”

The wolf-human centaur loped into the ring.

“PHIGHT!”

“Oh, you’d make an excellent subject for my next painting,” Stain cooed, setting up an easel they pulled from the void.

“Not if I draw you first,” Ecto said, brandishing his pen.

“Ooh, an art-off,” Tali said. “I wonder if Ecto’s six limbs will give him an advantage.”

Considering four of them were wolf legs, which lack prehensile thumbs, they did not. But still, his human hands whirled across his sketchbook as he sought to capture Stain’s likeness. With each stroke of the pen, bits of Stain’s mermaid-like form were chiseled away.

But Stain’s brushstrokes were faster. “Time to become a happy little tree, Ecto.”

“No! I just need a bit—more— _time—!”_

Too late. Ecto’s form dissolved in a spray of paint, transformed into the image on Stain’s canvas.

“Wow. That was some Luigi’s Mansion level shenanigans right there.” Tali hummed the theme from said game on their kazoo. “Ecto is unable to battle! Stain wins!”

**MATCH 9**

“And now, gamers,” announced Luma, “we have a special treat! @ecto-american, who has the remarkable ability to properly cook 1 (one) hot pocket, versus @jl-artsandcreations, who can… make coffee? Potentially? Her ecto latte is mysteriously and ominously unlabelled, so one can only hope. Regardless: Phight!”

“Oh, god DAMN it!” Danny cried. “Nick was living in my closet for like. A week! Dude! What the Fuck!”

“I know your pain. He was in my closet for a whole month leading up to this round.” Pip prepared to yoink her coffee at his face. “War is hell.”

Luma sadly shook their head. “That’s one messed up ghost. For shame.”

“Ghost? GHOST?!?!?!” Nick sputtered. “I’m an ECTO-AMERICAN! ‘Ghost’ has been an archaic slur for at least 5,733 days!” 

“That’s such a hyperspecific date! Nobody is going to be able to figure out what event happened on that day and laugh at the obvious attempt at a joke!” Pip scowled. “Not even Vladfuckers keep that date memorized!”

“Yeah--well--nobody is going to keep YOU memorized!” Nick cackled. He pumped his super soaker furiously. “Prepare to be doused in the tears of fanfic writers!”

“Oh, so that’s why I’ve been so dehydrated!” Tali slumped against their chair. “Nick has been siphoning me while I sleep!”

“Benefits of sleeping in your closet,” he winked.

The entire crowd muttered in disgust. Luma was clearly the sexiest person there; what was the point in posturing at being sexier?

“Your sex appeal is bad and so are you!” Cried Pip, rallying forward with her latte in hand.

Not to be outdone, Nick released a barrage of forlorn fanfic fosterer fluid. Pip let out a [battle cry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZ0DGZSDkJA)

and sloshed her latte at him.

“Oh no!” cried Danny. “Their mutual liquids are doing the two-beams-meeting dramatic showdown thing! Like in _Harry Potter_! And _Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow_!”

“Muahahaha! My fanfic writer juice has about 72% of the total beam area!” Nick thrust his squirt gun forward, pushing more power into the tears. “That means I will soon take 100% of the beam space, and beat your stupid pointy face into the ground!” 

“Fool! Coward! Clearly you’ve never seen _Barbie Fairytopia: Magic of the Rainbow_! The battle has only just begun! My friends will support me, and my cursed latte juice will overcome yours, whilst I also gain a new, objectively gayer outfit!”

“She’s. Not wrong,” Luma ducked their head. “Although I’d prefer a _Barbie Fairytopia: Mermaidia_ reference. That way, we could get an ectopuss or something to sing. Sexily.”

Nick quivered in fear. “When will your friends show up to defeat me?!”

Pip winced. “You see, I… never quite got around to establishing a widely varied friend group that meshes cohesively despite our differences.”

Danny’s mouth dropped. “You _what_!” The crowd booed. “Even I know that’s proper direct-to-Nickelodoen movie decorum. Was she raised in a barn?!”

“Well--I--” Pip sputtered.

“Wait! Holy crap! While we’ve been debating the semantics of Elise Allen’s plot structure, my fanfic writer tears have reached the end of the Confrontation Beam!” Nick cackled in glee. “I win!” 

“What, wha--OH FRIDGE!”

Like an object vaporized abruptly into a cloud of smoke, Pip was vaporized abruptly into a cloud of smoke.

“Did... did Nick just kill a man?” Danny shot up.

“Irrelevant. Pip has been unceremoniously vaporized! @ecto-american wins!”

**MATCH 1**

“Welcome back to round 2 ladies and ghents! Neither @planetgalactica or @bibliophilea got to show off their skills last round, so I’m sure our first opponents are ready to spill some ectoplasm!” Matsu was totally ready to get back into the swing of things. The ghosts below were violently T-posing, though nothing had happened beyond that yet. 

Bib made the first move, pulling out a staff from nowhere and spilling greek letters and arabic numbers out onto the field. Kitt immediately started backing up in horror, yanking her suspiciously brown-filled water guns from her hips. She wouldn’t be able to avoid those math problems for long...

“Phight me!” Bared teeth really made everyone scarier, didn’t it, even from behind from the creepy mask Bib was wearing. “Those bags under your eyes must hold *something* of use!” The sneer in her voice was extremely audible. Kitt stopped in her tracks and glared.

“Oh? You think you know me? Don’t make me laugh!” Kitt turns her water guns back on herself. “What you don’t know, is that you are already dead!” She squirts the guns straight into her wide open mouth. She begins to glow. Matsu is a little disturbed, actually, but she thinks she finally knows what was in those guns. 

“And here, pholks, we can see the true power of massive amounts coffee shoved into somebody’s face. I really wouldn’t wanna be down there, between the math and the caffeine high.” Kitt spins faster and faster until a mini-tornado appears in the ring. A voice rings out,

“You can’t make me do math! It’s impossible!” It certainly seems that way; no regular ghost could get through that storm. But Bib is no regular ghost. She tears off her stupid-looking packman-ghost mask and lets out a ghostly wail of anguish - the kind that can only come from math class - and Kitt flies back into the wall of the ring. There’s no getting up from that kind of Big Sad.

“And Bib is our winner! Congrats!” Cackling can be heard as the champion ghost is dragged off the field.

**MATCH 3**

“So apparently this is Tali Can’t Count!au, but whatever!” Tali shook her head, confused by the array of numbers on her cue cards. “Match 3! Probably! We hope! Coming straight from your worst Nightmare (Valley), a ghost who’s cape is more dramatic than practical, it’s Kinglazrus!”

Laz tripped on her cape on the way into the ring, but caught herself on her inflatable sword.

“And her opponent from the Medieval Province, which probably doesn’t even _have_ cheez-its by the way, it’s roseyyglass aka Aster!”

As they entered the arena, Aster’s three-piece suit changed to a shifting green that reflected the void-like sky above.

“PHIGHT!”

Laz’s inflatable sword transformed into Danny’s arm, prompting a strangled shout from the now arm-less Danny.

“Hey! What the—give that back!”

“You’ve survived plenty of fics without it,” Laz said before blowing a kiss up to Danny in the stands.

“Angsty, but not illegal.” Tali shrugged. “Don’t worry, you’ll get it back after the match. Probably.”

Aster wasn’t distracted by the logistics of shapeshifting weapons or stealing arms. They summoned their diamond pickaxe and swung it at Laz—only to have it blocked with Danny’s arm.

“Agh!” He shouted, trying to rub the spot where it hurt, only to pass through the phantom limb.

“Heh. Phantom limb.” Tali grinned.

“That pun stopped being funny ages ago,” Danny tried to scowl, but he was always weak to a good pun. Even an overused one.

“I got to hand it to them, a diamond pickaxe is a nice weapon,” Technus said. “If I’d been able to set up my betting ring, I would’ve bet on them.”

“Come on, everyone knows a diamond sword would’ve been better.” Danny rolled his eyes. “There’s not even any enchantments on that thing.”

But as it turned out, Aster didn’t need any enchantments. Their pickaxe cut through the suspenders holding up Laz’s cape, making it crumple unceremoniously to the ground.

“NO! My cape!” Laz cried out, scooping the thick red fabric up in her arms. Aster used the distraction to steal Danny’s arm and poof it back to him.

_“Much_ better,” Danny said, flexing his fingers.

Meanwhile, Laz was still tripping over the fallen cape. One smack from the blunt side of the pickaxe knocked her out.

“Kinglazrus is unable to battle! Roseyyglass wins!”

**MATCH 2**

“I’ve made some effort to be an upstanding citizen, so I’ve refused any and all bribes.” There’s an awkward pause as the ghaudience tries to figure out if they should be proud of Matsu for making a good decision. “Still, up next is @halfaqueen and @grimgrinningghoul! Good luck in this next, very fair match.” 

Below, Ghoul has abandoned the earplugs and remote from the last match. Matsu has no idea what else she has up her sleeve. Perhaps it is a good idea, though. Electronics wouldn’t have fared well under Tori’s spray of Dr. Pepper. Tori’s realized that though, and is taking a different approach.

“Tori seems to be chugging Dr. Pepper after Dr. Pepper. Soda really isn’t all that great for ghosts though, I hope they don’t explode!” Tori is showing absolutely no fear; she’s had about 8 so far. The ghost is straight up vibrating at this point. Grim is taking it to the next level though; she is flickering in and out of existence, faster and faster.

“What’s going on? Does Grim have access to hither-to-unknown levels of power? What will she do?!” Tori was very clearly on the defensive, starting to burp out little angry fizzy-ghosts. They swarm at Grim. It’s strange to see such a crude tactic from someone so well dressed.

“Grim just walks through the ghosts! This is beyond intangibility, pholks; it’s like she’s standing on another plane of existence altogether!” She walks ever closer, getting right up into Tori’s face. Tori’s scared; it’s plain in their vibrations. Grim is grinning—her staple. She reaches forward and just barely pokes Tori in the forehead. 

“And she’s gone! I mean completely gone!” It’s true. Tori seems to have vaporized. It’s only the faint burps that can be heard echoing eerily that prove they were ever there in the first place. 

“Grim is the winner! Sorry Tori’s friends! I’m sure we can find their ghostly body eventually. They’re probably fine.” Matsu hopes anyway.

**MATCH 10**

“Because the gods know no bounds to my suffering, here’s! Two more beverage-themed ghosts!”

Luma angrily stabbed the ground with her pool noodle hat.

“First, we have a lean, mean, phighting machine! Brandishing a cup of coffee and an uncomfortably strong love for the secondary colors, tumblr user @going-dead! Who named themself after bread!”

“I bet you like ciabatta, you prude,” Rye stuck out their tounge.

“And now, the phighter with an ID only a multiplier of 10 away from being the second best number, brandishing a thing of hot cocoa mix and an unusual propensity for contortion, it’s @spookyscaryphantoms! Who is not named for a bread variety, but _is_ named for the United States Nuclear Regulatory Commission’s acronym for Sensitive Unclassified Non-Safeguards Information!”

“You have too much time on your hands. And too much access to Google.” Danny grumbled.

“Phuck you. Phight!”

“Ever heard of coffee with chocolate in it?” jeered Sunsi. 

“No???” Rye said.

“That’s because it SUCKS. Just like you at phighting.”

“You know,” Rye drawled, “I’ve had a long day. Ghosts yelling at me, some dipshit comparing me to bread, and now you. Do you know how much caffeine is in this bad boy?” they pointed to the coffee. “69 milligrams! That’s like. Half a Monster. I.e. NOT ENOUGH for this, let me SAY!”

“Oh. Ok. That’s fair. I’m sorry. I’ll just. Go home? I guess? This phight needs to be wrapped up in 3 minutes, so. That’s probably for the best.” Sunsi shuffled off. “Good luck, man.”

Luma looked at the camera, akin to Jim Halpert. “Hmmmmm,” they said. “I wonder which dumb fanfic reading bitch could possibly responsible for this anticlimactic of a phight resolution?”

“I deserve better, and so does Rye!” shouted Sunsi from the liminal phighting ring-audience space. 

“Yeah, that’s fair. Regardless: @going-dead’s defeatist attitude drove off @spookyscaryphantoms! Rye wins!”

“Oh, shit, dude. That’s lit,” Rye said. “Still mad about being cucked for merlin fic though.”


	3. Round 3

The interior of the Denny’s was smoking, and not in the good meat-being-roasted-over-a-fire way. Not even in the less good someone-exploded-the-oven-in-the-kitchen way.

No, it was smoking in a Vlad-wasn’t-paying-attention-to-where-he-launched-his-ectoblasts kind of way.

Tali sighed as she stared down at the defeated halfa. Vic still had his hands bound behind his back, while Fluer kept his legs pinned to the ground. Thanks to the enchanted minecraft blocks surrounding the Denny’s, Vlad couldn’t just phase out through the floor, at least.

“Thanks for getting the situation under control, Vic. You ever find out what he was doing here this time?”

“I’m right here, you know,” Vlad muttered. “You could just ask _me.”_

“Of course we did. He spouts his evil plans any time he thinks no one’s listening. ...Or sometimes when he knows you’re listening. Because he’s an idiot like that.”

Vlad tried to turn his neck to glare up at Vic, but his head couldn’t turn that far.

“He was trying to steal the Reality Gauntlet. Again.” Vic rolled her eyes.

Tali sighed and rubbed her temples. “We _moved_ the Reality Gauntlet, ever since that incident with Vorus. Can you _please_ just let it go.”

“You’re keeping an all-powerful weapon under a knockoff version of a mediocre food establishment!” Vlad burst. “No, I will not _let it go!”_

There had been a collective gasp among the patrons at the phrase “mediocre food establishment.” Sure, maybe the food _was_ mediocre, and sometimes even downright un-deadly, but it was _their_ mediocre-slash-deadly food establishment, _thank you very much, you ungrateful cheesehead._

But Tali kept these thoughts to herself, instead putting on her best Customer Service Smile.

“Alright then. If you are so determined to keep attempting to break into our _amazing and fine brawling establishment,_ you’re just going to have to suffer the consequences.”

“Please, like what these _peons_ did to me?” Vlad scoffed, despite the fact that those “peons” had him face-first one ground.

“You heard Tali.” Vic smirked. “The _consequences.”_

“...Which are…?” Fluer whispered from behind her.

Tali gave a cheshire-like grin. “To the VUP box!”

XXX

**MATCH 1**

“Hey! You insignificant—where are you taking me?” Vlad kicked the whole way, but Vic hefted him over her shoulder towards their destination.

“VUP box. Very Unimportant Person box. Or Very Ugly Person box, take your pick.”

“Very Unloved-by-Maddie Person box,” Tali threw in.

Vlad pouted. “Now that just hurts.”

The VUP box, unlike the VIP box where Danny and his friends were watching from, was seated on the same level as the phight ring. In fact, any and all area-of-effect attacks would spill over into the uncomfortable, cramped space.

And Vlad, tethered by his phase-proof handcuffs (courtesy of theft from Walker), would not be leaving until all eight matches were over.

Tali and Vic left him there with two other security guards, Shiija and DJ, and moved to the announcer’s box.

“Introducing our first two phighters of the evening!” Tali called into her kazoo. “First up from the Medieval Province, the ghost who used the power of Math to bring the realm out of the dark ages, it’s Bibliophilea!”

Bib waved their ghost mask at the audience. Why a ghost needed a ghost mask, Tali didn’t know, but the irony was appreciated.

“And their opponent from the Frozen Wasteland, just a litle creacher, it’s Grimgrinningghoul!”

Grim glitched slightly. Maybe she was preparing for her intangibility tactic like she’d used in the last fight?

“PHIGHT!”

Bib opened their mouth in a blood-curdling scream, the kind only heard from students wailing over integrals in Calculus. Grim, apparently, had regained her earplugs from round 1 though. She grinned and walked through the increasingly high-decibel screaming.

“I am just,, a litle creacher,” she said. “Litle creachers don’t have to do math.”

That didn’t stop Bib from attempting her scream, sweat breaking out on their brow as they did. The mask began to slip from their face. 

_“I’VE BECOME SO NUMB,”_ Grim began to scream back, her soundwaves blasting Bib back against the wall. _“I CAN’T FEEL YOU HERE—”_

As if the lyrics were a magical spell, Bib disappeared.

“Huh. The power of song lyrics, folks.” Tali shrugged. If only it had the same effect on Vlad—but she could still see him down in the VUP box, dizzy from the colliding sound waves.

Tali dooted the kazoo. “Bibliophilea is unable to battle! Grimgrinningghoul wins!”

**MATCH 8**

“Now _this_ is a phight I’ve been waiting to see.”

Danny rolled his eyes. “You always say that.”

“No, really! You should’ve seen the votes for this one, they were at 50-50, like, _all day,_ and—oh nevermind, let’s just get to the phight so you can see.

“Back to harvest the tears from the eyes of their enemies, it’s Pipermasters!”

The blob ghost surfed in on their trusty box of crayons, their pen held up like a tiny spear. “The power of ANGST sustains me!”

“And their opponent, defeater of crabs and shooter of marbles, it’s imperfection-at-itsfinest aka Cement!”

Cement crawled into the arena, their neck twisted slightly as they gave an eerie grin at Piper. The blob ghost appeared to suppress a shudder.

“PHIGHT!”

Piper and Cement sped towards each other— Piper on their crayon box, Cement on all fours. 

“Big Feral Energy,” Tali murmured, leaning forward in her seat. “But can feral energy beat out concentrated angst?”

Piper skidded low against the concrete as Cement leapt high. No collision yet, but then Cement twisted their head 180 degrees to fire off a volley of marbles.

“Ooh, that’s not looking good for Piper,” Tali said as the crayon box went flying, leaving Piper splatting to the ground. “But wait—they’re getting up! The power of Angst hasn’t been defeated yet!”

“Nor shall it ever!” Piper proclaimed dramatically. “You haven’t known the meaning of pain yet!”

As Cement bolted towards them again, Piper swept their pen down in a wide vertical slice. An arc of darkness shot from it, hitting Cement directly in the face.

“My eyes! Aghhh!” They clawed at their face. “What is this? All I can see is… _pain… suffering… being dissected…”_

Danny winced at that. Tali squeezed his shoulder in sympathy.

Cement shot more marbles at random—one of which hit Vlad in the eye—before finally giving in and collapsing to the ground.

“Does Denny’s cover emotional damages?” Danny asked.

“Nope. But don’t worry, I hear there’s some excellent counseling centers in the Nightmare Valley. If you don’t go mad trying to find them first.”

Tali hummed into her kazoo. “Imperfection-at-itsfinest is unable to battle! Pipermasters wins!”

**MATCH 2**

“Hey ho, hey ho! Let's see who's ready to go!” Nick cheerfully spoke. He glanced at Vlad. “Give me the cards.” Vlad stared blankly at him.

“You...didn't give me any cards?” Vlad replied, absolutely confused.

“You're useless, this is why you're in the Very Unreliable Person booth,” Nick scoffed. “How am I supposed to know who's phighting?”

“What?? How on earth am I supposed to-”

“Whatever,” Nick interrupted. “It's roseyyglass versus em-sta!”

“Wait, the fudge? Why'd you ask me if you kn-”

“Shhh...” Nick forcefed Vlad a hot pocket. “Phighting's begun.”

Aster held up a diamond pickaxe, giving it a few experimental swings before using it like a hammer at Em. Em dodged, pulling out her kazoo and began going absolutely mental on the thing. Aster vibed a bit with such a magnificent tune, and they dance-fought around the arena for a bit.

“You're very good!” Aster complimented, giving another quick swing of their pickaxe. It hit Em in the arm, pushing her back some.

“Hey, I'm just babey you know!” Em frowned.

She reached into her pocket, and she pulled out One (1) Raisan. She held it up before chucking it hard at Aster. It hit them right between the eyes, and the other paused. Their pickaxe dropped to their side, and they slowly fell backwards. They did not get up.

“Wow...the power of a badly misspelled raisin...Looks like em-sta is our winner!”

**MATCH 4**

“How the fuck is she still here? It's a goddamn pillowcase! She beat minecraft and crayons! And after every round she just finds me to vibe check me!” Nick was complaining to his captive-uh I mean-reluctant co-announcer. Vlad looked in physical pain.

“I don't know what any of that means,” he told him.

“So a crayon is basically this colorful-”

“I know what a crayon is, you idiot!”

“You said you didn't know any of this, liar,” Nick accused. He glanced down at his sheet. “Anyway, it's pillowcase auroraphantasma versus reallydumbdannyphantomaus. Now Bug is legally obligated to win, because I put money on them, and also I wanna avoid another vibe check.”

“...You didn't put money on anything. They don't take money bets,” Danny reminded him. Nick forcefed him a hot pocket.

Aurora looked a bit unnerved. Understandable. Bug was looking pretty intensely powerful, holding up both a boombox and a shiny, shiny trophy from last year. This was not, in any simple terms, going to be a quick nor easy phight.

Bug pressed play on the boombox. The nightcore remix began to play, filling the arena with the song, and they smiled warmly at Aurora.

“Your pillowcase looks so nice,” Bug complimented. Aurora held her pillowcase up. She knew Bug's tactics, and she could not be beaten easily.

“Vibe check!” Aurora yelled, and she swung her pillowcase at the boombox. The music player went flying, the song slowly fading as it was yeeted out of the Denny's.

“Uh, security? Get that, just in case,” Nick quickly accessed.

Bug stared, dumbfounded as their primary weapon was gone. But no matter.

They held up the trophy, and they slammed it down. Only for Aurora to block it with the pillowcase. The phight was truly on. A flurry of clothes and metal were going crazy in the arena, and everybody watched intently.

“So, fun fact about Aurora, that I found out while trying to read for any weaknesses,” Nick spoke. Of course, after all the vibe checks, he had to do a bit of research. Vibe checks hurt. “While she's very strong, she has less stamina than a really fat cat. So this may be a phight of endurance.”

It took nearly three minutes of tense flinging of weapons before they both pushed each other back. Just enough that neither quite got out of the ring just yet.

“Bug?” Aurora spoke, as they both stood there, in a paused standoff. Both were obviously getting tired.

“Yeah?” Bug half-panted. Aurora grinned, holding her pillowcase like a bat.

“Say hello to Sans Undertale for me,” she spoke, before she sprinted right for them. “VIBE CHECK!”

Bug's eyes grew wide as the pillowcase hit them square in the stomach, and they were flung faster further than any other ghost that Aurora had vibe checked thus far. Almost in a blink, Bug was out of Denny's, and quickly drifting towards—uh oh.

“Get Bug, get Bug!” Nick yelled quickly. They were drifting fast and deep into the Zone. A few security naruto flew as fast as they could to hurriedly collect the ex-champion. “Um...auroraphantasma wins...?”

Nick unintentionally locked eyes with this phighter not even in his bracket that he's been apparently beefing with for rounds now. He was nearly shaking. Aurora...took down last year's champ. She had smitten down what he thought was his only saving grace from being vibe checked once more. In a blink, she was gone, and he already knew that she had teleported behind him.

“Do you really think that Bug could stand a chance against my pillowcase?” she asked. She was wielding said pillowcase, as one does. Nick used Vlad as a human shield/hostage, much to his wiggling protest, holding up a water gun full of reviewer fanfiction tears.

“No!!! Begone!!! Security!”

**MATCH 4**

“Oh hey, hey! Heyheyitsstillgay is up against PhantomRoyalty!” Nick grinned. “Sick!”

“You're not even looking at the phight, you're looking at your Switch,” Tucker complained. Nick glared.

“Look, PhantomRoyalty fixed my joycon, and I really wanna play...”

Tucker squinted.

“Is that Skyrim? Did you really buy Skyrim for a fourth-”

Nick held the switch close to his chest as the words “Fus Ro Dah!” came faintly from the gaming device.

“Shut up, phight's starting!”

PhantomRoyalty smirked as they held up their Chalkzone chalk, quickly drawing themselves up a shield and battle axe.

“Your danno edits are no match for the creative power of my artistic skills!” they bragged. Anri's eyes flashed excitedly.

“You fool, you have no idea the creativity that goes into the danno edits,” they replied, and they summoned a danno shield and danno on a stick.

PhantomRoyalty charged, sticking their axe into the danno shield. With a hard yank, they pried it out of Anri's hands, and they flung both objects back at the ghost. PhantomRoyalty took advantage of Anri being stunned to quickly draw up a new weapon, a sword.

Anri dodged a sword slash, and they held up the danno on a stick.

“FOOL!” they shouted, and with a powerful hit, PhantomRoyalty was thrown from the arena, and out of the Denny's parking lot, and into the zone.

“God, another Code Danno Stick!” Nick called for security once more, to, yet again, fetch a flung phighter. They really needed a shield or net to catch these people. “But man...The absolute raw power of a danno stick...it has given heyheyitsstillgay victory once more!”

**MATCH 5**

“Dang, Nick’s gone?” Tucker pouted. “I was hoping he’d let me take a turn on his Switch…”

“Oh, don’t worry. He’ll be back. Assuming he doesn’t get Vibe Checked in the ring, that is.” Tali grinned.

“He’s survived plenty of Vibe Checks so far,” Danny pointed out.

“That he has. Being an announcer give you plus 10 to Vibe Check resistance, which is the only reason Aurora hasn’t re-killed him yet. But in the ring, all bets are off. So let’s see how our hot pocket-cooking announcer fares against the ever-organized secretary, the Red Wraith aka danthectoman!”

The Red Wraith raised her ecto-latte high.

“PHIGHT!”

Nick raised his gun full of Fanfiction Reviewers’ Tears™, but the Red Wraith was flying at him before he could get in a shot.

“My chances of winning are 100 percent!” The Red Wraith cried, pulling off the lid of her ecto latte to dump it on Nick’s head.

“You sure about that?” He raised an eyebrow, unimpressed, before craning his neck back and opening his mouth to catch all of the cup’s steaming green contents.

The Red Wraith’s eye twitched. “What— how did you…”

“I ate a lot of poorly cooked hot pockets before I learned to heat them properly. I’m immune to food poisoning.” He licked the remnants of the ecto-latte off of his face. “I will have to borrow some new teeth from the bucket though…”

The Red Wraith took a step back, unsure what to do now that her main weapon was gone. Could she fabricate any other statistics? 

Before she could decide, Nick sprayed her with the Fanfiction Reviewers’ Tears™. Which, somehow, were even more caustic than the knockoff ghost Starbucks’ ecto-latte. 

“No… I wanted to put thumbtacks on Vlad’s seat… one last time…”

“ _She’s_ the one who’s been doing that?” Vlad burst.

Tali put a thumbtack down on his chair, in the Red Wraith’s honor.

“Danthectoman is unable to battle! Ecto-American wins!”

“Does this mean I get to play the Switch now?”

Nick reappeared next to Tali and switched on Skyrim. “Not a chance.”

**MATCH 6**

“And, here we go again! We have going-dead versus what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me!” Nick read from a card. Vlad leaned over, and squinted at the cue card.

“...That has none of those words written on there. This is just a picture of a dog,” he replied.

“Yeah, isn't she precious?” Nick asked, showing him the photo.

Rye took a sip from her piping hot cup of coffee as they observed their opponent. Stain didn't seem prepared for battle at all. Actually, it seemed as if they were...painting?

“You really think Bob Ross tutorial will stop me? I'm already emotionally stable, I don't need the calm, soothing words of Bob Ross,” Rye told them. Stain just smiled warmly at them, continuing with a brush stroke against a canvas set up in the arena.

“That's fine, you don't have to paint only when you're emotional. Just when you want to be creative!” Stain told them. “Come on, paint a happy little tree with me.”

Rye hesitantly came over, standing nearby and accepting a brush. The both of them painted a happy little tree. Stain gave Rye a sly look, dipping their paintbrush into the coffee cup to rinse it before getting a new color. The ghost didn't seem to notice at all.

“See? Your tree looks great and happy!” Stain told Rye. Rye admired the tree they had made before taking a sip of coffee.

They choked hard on the paint-infused liquid. They dropped the coffee and fell to the floor, choking and spitting out paint. They did not get up.

“Uh....what a weird way to win. But what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me is our winner!”

**MATCH 7**

“Last match of the afternoon! Let’s make it count, Pholks!”

“Do you _always_ pronounce the ph?” Vlad asked, rolling his eyes— or at least, Tali thought he was, though it was hard since his red scleras had no pupils or irises.

“Not always. Just almost always.” She shrugged. “Give it up for Ghostghothgeek (Steph) and Half-dead-half-wit (Ninja)!”

Vlad shunk back at the sight of the ghost wolf at Steph’s heels. He remembered all too well what his “experiments” could do when angry.

“PHIGHT!”

Ninja rested his hands on his knees— or, where his knees would be if he had them, since he stayed in ghostly-tail form constantly. “Heyyyy, nice puppy,” he cooed to Steph’s wolf.

“No, she’s not nice, she’s—”

_“Precious,”_ Ninja said, fishing an ecto-weenie out of his jacket pocket. “I bet the puppy would love a treat, huh?”

“She doesn’t eat anything except the blood— er, ectoplasm— of her enemies.” Steph crossed her arms. “Right, girl?”

But the wolf’s ears were perked up, her eyes intent on the screaming treat in Ninja’s hand. Steph cursed under her breath.

“Looks like it’s time for plan B,” she said, pulling out her bag of glitter as Ninja lured the wolf away.

Steph flew up to dump the glitter over Ninja, but he quickly threw the ecto-weenie into her path. The wolf chased after it and collided with her owner, drowning them both in a pile of itchy glitter.

Steph sneezed. More glitter shot from her nose.

“Is that… it?” Vlad asked. “Where’s the drama? The intrigue? The threats to tear your opponents family apart and run off with their mother?”

“First of all: _ew,”_ Tali said, grateful that Danny was still back in the VIP box and not the VUP box. “Second of all: I think we have enough drama right here.”

She smirked as Ninja pulled Steph out of the glitter-pile, just in time to fly her over and have her sneeze on Vlad.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWISS CHEESE—”

Everyone cackled at the glitterified Vlad. But Tali still had one last job to do.

She played a quick tune on her kazoo. “Ghostgothgeek is unable to battle! Half-dead-half-wit wins!” 

“But the real winner is all of us for getting to dunk on Vlad,” Tucker said as Danny flew him down to snap a picture.

“Very true. Until next time, Pholks!”


	4. Round 4

“Ayyyy! The gang’s all here!” Tali greeted Danny, Sam, and Tucker in the VIP box. Each of them had one of Dots’s green Shrek-themed milkshakes in hand. (Those had probably been forced on them against their better judgement, but Tucker seemed to be enjoying his regardless.)

Sam flashed a thumbs-up, but with a thin grin that said she wanted to die. Which was about how Tali felt all of the time, so she may have been projecting slightly.

“Glad to see phinals didn’t eat all of you. At least not in the outside. Anyway, we’ve got a very special round coming up, so we’re glad you guys could make it!”

“Is that, like, the royal We? Or are you just speaking for Vic and Nick and the other announcers too?” Tucker asked.

Tali shrugged. “Both? Whatever, we’re about to start! With some very special items from our sponsors—”

“Are those FentonWorks weapons?” Danny balked at the items some of the security team members were rolling out into the arena.

“Weapons? Ehhhh, maybe? Depending on the wielder’s competency level. Though I’m not sure how anyone would use the Sneaky-Sneak-Inator as a weapon… or the Entire Earth… anyway!” Tali beamed.

“Wait, did you just say—”

“HA HA HA NO MORE SPOILERS!” Tali promptly stole the milkshake from Tucker’s hand and downed it in one gulp.

“Hey!”

“Just take Sam’s, she’s not drinking hers anyway.” Tali waved him off before plopping down cross-legged in her seat.

The security team had cleared the arena, leaving only the FentonWorks gadgets that the phighters would be using.

“Alright, that’s enough rambling from me! I hope you’re all excited because I’ve just drank 12 milkshakes and I SURE AM!! So without further adew—”

“Ado,” Sam corrected.

“Tomato, Pistachio—”

“That was _definitely_ too many milkshakes.” Tucker frowned down into the empty glass Tali had shoved back at him.

“—LETS THROW DOWN, BABEY!”

XXX

**MATCH 1**

“Oh we're in for something just absolutely sick today folks!” Nick grinned. “Since we allowed some...changes in weaponry for this round of phighting, we may actually see some true ectoplasm being shed!”

“God, this is either going to be hilarious or terrible,” Sam half-complained, but she looked mostly...concerned. After all, this was Ghost Denny's...anything could happen.

“It's gonna knock your socks off!” Nick told her.

“...I'm wearing tights.”

“...Anyway it's grimgrinningghoul with their Fenton Ghost Caller up against em-sta with the Sneaky-Sneak-inator!” Nick announced. Danny stared at the inventions in the ring. 

“How did you guys get these things again?” Danny questioned. 

“Look if you don't lock your ghost portal you're gonna get your shit stolen, now shhhh,” Nick scolded. “Phight’s starting.”

PJ pulled out what looked like a kazoo, but with a FentonWorks logo.

“I originally took this thinking that it'd play this absolutely sick kazoo number so that I can finally compete against Tali, but I think you'll find that it has a really interesting use!” PJ smirked.

“Doesn't matter, fool! You can't fight what you can't see!” Em taunted. She quickly donned the Sneaky-Sneak-inator, which consisted of a fedora and a big fake black mustache.

PJ looked absolutely baffled as she turned around in confusion. Where the hell did her opponent go?

“...It's literally the leftover items from a Halloween bargain bin, is she seriously actually fooled by this?” Danny asked, facepalming hard.

“You know what? That's fine!” PJ declared. She held up the kazoo. “I may not be able to find you, but I know who can!”

Busting a beat, she began to play a weirdly familiar tune to the trio and Vlad, but none of them can place it. Of course, the rest of Denny's knew what the Danny Phantom theme song was, but don't tell Danny. A small swarm of ghost blobs came out, rushing for PJ and making adorable little noises in ghost speak. This entire time, Em just watched on in curiosity as she waited for her victory.

“Find my opponent!” PJ told the small blob army.

The ghost blobs didn't do anything for a moment, simply watching PJ. PJ began to play the weirdly familiar tune again, and the ghost blobs went nuts. They began to swarm towards Em, knocking the Sneaky-Sneak-inator off as they tackled her excitedly out of the arena.

“GrimGrinningGhoul wins!”

“Holy hell, that kazoo thing actually works!?” Danny could only stare in amazement.

**MATCH 2**

“Oh great, it's this dude again,” Nick grumbled. “But good news is that she's not fighting with the pillow today! So if she's really relying heavily on that thing, she should be going down!”

“...What?” Vlad stared at him.

“He's probably talking about Aurora,” Tucker half-whispered.

“This is the match she will be yeeted out of Denny's, and I can escape the vibe check!” Nick declared. “Anri is a tough competitor. But anyway, y'all probably guessed but it's auroraphantasma up against heyheyitsnotgay!”

Anri was wearing the Fenton Visor, an invention Danny instantly recognized. An invention he could never forget, as it caused him to have to watch his dad aggressively squat for two weeks before he sprained a muscle in his back. It was retired as another exercise tool for Jazz until apparently now.

“Prepare! For your doom!” Anri declared, and with the use of the invention, squatted to Aurora's eye level.

“...Hey Danny? What was that invention supposed to do?” Sam questioned. Danny sighed, never wishing more or harder internally that Tucker's family would adopt him.

“That's...that's about it. It helps you squat to be eye level with ghosts...to assert dominance...”

“Never underestimate the power of fear and intimidation!” Anri shouted.

Aurora did indeed look a bit shaken, but she would never admit this. She herself had an incredibly powerful invention, and it was time to show it off.

“Behold!” Aurora cried out, motioning to...What. The. Hell.

“That's the Fenton Portal!? How did she get the Fenton Portal!?” Danny asked. Nick shoved a hot pocket into his mouth.

“Shhh...they're phighting.”

Danny spit the hot pocket out. Aurora had, somehow, gotten the Fenton Portal into the arena. Granted, it looked like it was unpowered, and not working, so maybe it was just a copy??? Or something? Holy cow, how did she get the Fenton Portal!?

“No, like how the fu—”

Another hot pocket. Danny sat down, defeated and baffled.

“You really think that I'd just go in there, willingly?” Anri scoffed. They kept their squatting stance. You can't let a ghost become un-threatened by leaving the stance. Aurora grinned, and she pulled out her pillowcase.

“I don't need you to go in willingly,” she smiled. She darted past Anri, skidding and turning to hit Anri with the pillowcase. “VIBE CHECK!”

Anri was flung into the portal. Aurora hurriedly followed, and slammed the outside button. The portal powered up, whirling and electrocuting the ghost inside.

Anri screamed as a horrific sight immediately unfolded. Danny and Vlad both stared, dumbfounded, as they finally saw what the accidents looked like from an outsider's perspective. Though of course, Anri couldn't become half ghost. They were already dead. And thus, it was worse. Their skin separated from their body, tearing them to shreds and an explosion of memes fell out. “damn daniel!”, danno stick, pink pants, it's not gay if he's dead, they all flung out of the immortal form that was hosting them.

“FUCK YEAH! Finally, a mortal kombat worthy end!” Nick grinned, and everybody else looked on in horror, then at him in disgust. “Oh relax, they'll be fine.” Quietly and out of earshot, he called for the EMT because Anri was absolutely definitely probably not fine.

But a haunting realization...hit him.

“This, uh...means Auroraphantasma...wins...yet again...” Nick swallowed nervously. Aurora stared at him, grinning almost mockingly. As normal, she was gone in a blink, and Nick sighed tiredly. He already knew this routine.

“Wanna try the ghost portal?” she asked. “I bet your insides are just hot pockets.”

“Fuc—firstly it's be hot pockets AND skyrim shouts—secondly, fuck off! Security!”

“Go into the Fenton Portal, Nick, or face my Vibe Check.”

“NO, NOT AGAIN.”

Aurora began to naruto run after Nick until he finally just hid in the boys' bathroom.

**MATCH 3**

“Did Aurora ever catch up to Nick?” Tucker asked when Tali eventually took his place in the VIP box. She was slurping on her 15th milkshake of the day (this one was sea-salt flavored).

“Nah, he’s fine. We had some of the security team escort him out of the boys’ bathroom.”

“Are _you_ okay?” Danny asked at the mildly feral grin on Tali’s face.

“Yep. Nothing like the smell of milkshakes and bloodlust in the morning. Plus the Kingdom Hearts 3 DLC came out today.”

“That explains a lot, actually.”

“Oh, look, there’s Nick.” She grinned down at the arena, where Nick had picked up his chosen weapon—the Fenton Lunchbox. Stainless steel, lots of blunt bolts sticking out. A solid choice. “See? Not hurt at all. I’m sure he’s touched that you care though Tuck.”

“I’m still banking on getting to play his Switch.”

“Fair enough. Ooh, and here comes the competition—Stain, wielding the Whole Entire Earth!”

“What—”

“Blah blah blah Clockwork alternate dimensions shrink ray blah blah blah,” Tali explained.

“Are you telling me my parents made the Whole Earth!?”

“They at least stuck their names on it, which is close enough.”

Stain hefted the bowling-ball-sized earth up on their shoulder.

“PHIGHT!”

“You think you can escape being crushed under the weight of the world?” Stain asked, juggling the Earth back and forth between their hands.

“At least let me eat my last meal first,” Nick deadpanned, obviously not intimidated. Of course, the weight of the world was nothing compared to Aurora’s Vibe Checks.

Nick threw out a tablecloth, which hovered in the air as if over an invisible table. Then he began arranging his Fenton Toast and Fenton Fudge neatly over it.

“No time for that.” Stain snatched up the toast and shoved it in their mouth.

Nick smirked. “No time indeed.”

Within seconds, Stain had dropped the earth (resulting in many tiny screams), and was choking and foaming at the mouth.

“Ah, looks like we’ll need the medical team again.” Tali radioed Vic to coordinate someone to go down to the arena and shove an antidote down Stain’s throat.

“Honestly, I don’t know if Nick poisoned that lunch, or if Dad’s food is just like that,” Danny said.

“Who knows?” Tali slurped the rest of her milkshake, hoping that at least wasn’t poisoned. Then she blew into her kazoo, and ended up spitting some of the melted ice cream on Tucker in the process.

“Gross…”

“Stain aka what-is-love-babey-dont-hurt-me is unable to battle! Nick aka ecto-american wins!”

**MATCH 4**

“How many of those have you had today?” Tucker asked, gesturing to Tali’s milkshake.

“Twenty-seven.” She slurped on the straw. Banana. Yum.

“I think you’ve got a problem, dude.” 

Considering this was coming from _Tucker,_ the one who normally had no concern about health when it came to food, maybe she should’ve been more worried. But there was a phight to announce, so she just shrugged.

“Anyway! Last phight of the night, blah blah blah, we’ve got Ninja aka half-dead-half-wit versus Pipermasters! PHIGHT!”

“Don’t you normally ramble a little more first?” Danny asked, peering down into the arena where the two phighters were still scrambling to grab their Fenton products.

“Yeah, but that was like, fifteen milkshakes ago.”

Piper got to the Fenton Birthday Candle first, since it was smaller and easily strappable to their tiny blob-ghost form.

“You shall taste the flames of defeat!” They called, crayon-surfing towards Ninja.

“Flames of defeat? Really?” Ninja dodged behind the Fenton Wash&Dry, which currently looked like a normal washing machine. “I thought you were into angst, not just corny villain monologues.”

“Try telling that to the writer behind my dialogue,” Piper muttered, throwing a glare towards where Tali sat in the stands. She shrugged sheepishly.

“What can I say, crackfics are my happy place.”

(She promptly shoved several half-written angst fics under her seat.)

While Piper was distracted, though, Ninja had opened the Wash&Dry.

“Hey, Piper, have you ever played Pokemon?”

“No, it’s not _nearly_ heartwrenching enough.”

Tali absolutely disagreed with that. She had cried in Pokemon White when N flew away on his Zekrom as dramatic music played in the background.

“Hmm. That’s too bad.” Ninja grinned. “Maybe then you would’ve known that water beats fire.”

_“Everyone_ knows that water beats—”

The Wash&Dry blasted out a cannon of water, sending Piper flying against the arena wall. And, more importantly, dousing their Fenton Birthday Candle.

_“No!”_ Piper wailed. “My burning rage is nothing but embers…”

Hmm. That wasn’t a very original pun. Maybe the twenty-seven milkshakes weren’t a good idea before writing-slash-announcing.

“Piper is unable to battle!” Tali shouted, barely remembering to hum into her kazoo afterwards. “Half-dead-half-wit wins!”

She collapsed down into her chair as the adrenaline of watching the phights wore off, coinciding directly with her sugar crash.

“Tali? You okay?” Danny asked.

Tali threw up a peace sign before falling unconscious.

Tucker shook his head. “Someone really needs to take care of them. ...You think I can play her PS4 while they’re out?”

_“Tucker!”_


	5. Round 5

Clockwork, as it turned out, had a lot of free time. Maybe Tali shouldn’t have found that surprising, but…

It was still a little weird to see the all-powerful ghost sitting in the VIP box, decked out in promotional gear to cheer on the semifinalists. He wore a foam finger with Ninja’s signature spider-danny meme, a green-trimmed black jacket that perfectly resembled Aurora’s, a boombox that played PJ’s theme song (the 80’s remix of Numb by Linkin Park), and finally, a bucket full of Nick’s perfectly-cooked hot pockets. That was an awful lot to carry when Clockwork shifted into his child-form, but somehow he held onto everything.

“So. Uh. You watched the Phight before?”

“I watch everything,” he said. His voice might have been cryptic, but it didn’t have the right effect when said around a mouth full of hot pocket.

Well. At least he seemed to be having a good time. Probably. 

“Do you already know who’s going to win?”

“Maybe.” Clockwork smirked.

“Do you just like screwing with all of us?”

“Me? The immortal spirit of time, use my power for personal entertainment?”

“...I’ll take that as a yes.” Tali polished her kazoo on her jacket. “Well, since the rest of us don’t know who’s gonna come out on top, we’d better get on with it, shall we?”

“If you’re in such a rush.”

“I am. Unless you feel like turning back time so I have more than two hours to write this…?”

Clockwork just smiled insufferably.

Tali sighed. “Oh well, worth a shot. On to match 1, then! ...As soon as Danny tracks down Nick to announce it. Hopefully before Aurora does.”

“Nick will be fine.”

Coming from a ghost who could see everything, that should have been reassuring, but somehow, Tali doubted Clockwork’s definition of “fine” was the same as Nick’s.

...She’d send Vic and the security team after him too, just in case.

XXX

**MATCH 1**

There was nobody visible at the announcer booth. The seat was empty, and Danny stared. 

“...Who’s gonna announce the phight?” he asked. 

A hand shot out from under the announcer desk, feeling around on the table for the microphone but to no avail. Danny scooted the mic to the hand. The hand grabbed it and pulled it under the desk. Tucker peeked underneath. 

“...What are you doing?” Tucker asked. 

“Hiding. I can’t be vibe checked again,” Nick replied. He was huddled in a table cloth and napkin nest. “She can’t get me if she can’t find me.”

“Aurora’s not gonna get you,” Tucker tried to assure him. Nick glared. 

“You fool...anyway.” Nick cleared his throat and spoke into the mic. “It’s grimgrinningghoul up against auroraphantasma, and PJ. Please. I beg you. Take her down, yeet her out of Denny’s, I can’t take another vibe check,” Nick practically begged. “It’s JUST A PILLOWCASE, SHE HAS LESS STAMINA THAN A FAT CAT PLEASE YOU’RE POSSIBLY MY LAST HOPE!”

PJ puffed her chest out confidently. She got this far. She could get further, especially with her trusty music player by her side. 

“Of course. I’m a cryptid,” PJ proclaimed proudly. “I have many unspoken abilities as a litle creacher of the night.”

“Oh but you know what happens at night?” Aurora grinned. “You sleep.” She pulled out her pillowcase. “On a pillow. With a pillowcase.” PJ locked eyes with her. 

“Bold of you to assume I sleep,” PJ replied. She began to play her remix, an 80’s version of Numb by Linkin Park. “But then again, music often helps put people down for a nap. A DIRT NAP!”

Aurora swung her pillowcase at her. PJ dodged, and she blasted the music louder. It filled the arena, and Aurora swung again. PJ parried with a graceful kick, knocking Aurora back a bit. She opened her pillowcase, and she rushed past PJ. 

PJ gasped as their player was done. It was trapped within the soul of the pillowcase. Aurora smirked. 

“Oh PJ! Lemme sing you to sleep!” Aurora cheerfully chirped. She spun before swinging her pillow at PJ. In a sing song voice, she called out “Vibe check!”

PJ immediately flew out of the Denny’s at full force. Danny used his foot to nudge Nick under the desk, and he reluctantly peeked out. 

“God,” Nick swore under his breath as he called for security’s help. And with a deep, nervous breath, he retreated back under and was forced to announce, “Auroraphantasma...wins yet again...”

Almost as if on cue, he could hear Aurora’s voice being dangerously close. 

“Oh Nicckkk, I have a vibe check song for you!” 

Nick stayed hidden.

**MATCH 2**

“If you’re that worried about it, you could always throw the match,” Vic said as Nick paced in front of her.

“Nope. Can’t do it. I made it this far, I go big or go home on my own terms.” Nick shuddered and took a bite out of his emotional support hot pocket. “Besides, Ninja’s good. He’s totally gonna kick my butt either way.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.” Tali smirked, lounging against the wall in the pit.

“Who are you supposed to be, Clockwork?” Nick scowled.

“Nah. Clockwork’s way less helpful. But he _is_ excited to be here, so go out there an put on a good show.” Tali grinned and flashed him a thumbs-up.

“All my hard announcing work, and this is how you repay me? ...Am I even getting paid? Have I been enduring Aurora’s vibe checks without even being compensated??”

“Bold of you to assume _any_ of us get compensated.” Vic snorted.

“Ha ha ha ANYWAY,” Tali cleared their throat before shoving Nick towards the door, which led out into the ring. “Don’t re-die! Or do!! Good luck!!!”

“Wow. Three exclamation points.” Vic nodded somberly. “He’s a goner.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Tali shrugged cryptically before Vic teleported them both back to the VIP box, where Clockwork was sharing a bowl of popcorn with the three (mostly-)living teenagers.

“We sell regular popcorn?” Tali blinked. “Huh. Learn new things every day. Anyway!”

They dooted the kazoo.

“Stepping into the ring is Ninja (half-dead-half-wit) and Nick (ecto-american)! I would give them better introductions but you know who they are, also I procrastinated and I only have 15 minutes left to write this, so! PHIGHT!”

“Hope you’re ready to be left out to _dry!”_ Ninja said, pulling the Fenton Wash&Dry out from… well, Tali didn’t really know where.

“Didn’t he use that last round?” Danny asked.

“There’s no rule that the phighters can’t use the Fenton gear twice.” Tali shrugged. “But will it be enough??”

“Two question marks.” Vic nodded, prompting Danny to raise an eyebrow.

“Too many dialogue tags! Shut up and let me announce!”

Vic rolled her eyes.

“ANYWAY— Ninja’s loading the Wash&Dry with Fenton Pods now, oh man, that’s— one, two, three— _twenty-seven_ Fenton Pods, that’s gonna be a _lot_ of bubbles— but oh, it looks like Nick’s got a trick up his sleeve too!”

Nick snuck behind Ninja under the cover of his cloud of darkness. While Ninja was almost ready to explode the Wash&Dry with the unholy power of Too Much Detergent, Nick added the special ingredient chemical X: FANFIC REVIEWER TEARS.

“Oh no,” Vic said. “This won’t end well.”

“It doesn’t.” Clockwork smiled and ate another handful of popcorn.

The Wash&Dry still exploded. It exploded a lot. Much explode. Very water. Much tears. All over Ninja.

Unfortunately for him, that explosion just happened to be of the _emotional_ variety.

Tears shed over angst and hurt bubbled up with the sheer crack energy of the Fenton Pods. The end result was a mixture that fried all of Ninja’s emotions, leaving him face-down on the pavement.

“That… was not what I was expecting,” Danny said. Nick seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“That actually _worked??”_

“Two question marks,” Vic said again. “You really need to chill, Tali.”

“SHUT UP, IVE GOT LIKE FIVE MINUTES.”

They played The Final Coutdown on the kazoo as horror dawned on Nick’s face.

“Half-dead-half-wit is unable to battle! Ecto-american wins! Which means he will be facing Aurora in the Phinal!”

“As I knew.” Clockwork grinned.

Nick shuddered, already hearing Aurora calling for another Vibe Check.


	6. Phinal Round

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for tuning in, and sorry for the spam of posting 5 chapters at once!!

A contemplative hush hung over the stadium as Bug returned to perform their heartfelt (corefelt?) rendition of Danny Boy. Tears were shed. Tissues were exchanged. The previous year’s trophy was placed on a pedestal at the far end of the ring.

“It’s been a good year, and you’ve been a good weapon,” Bug said to the trophy before joining Tali in the VIP box.

Tali, meanwhile, was still drying her eyes on her coatsleeve. “Thanks for that song, Bug. The only thing that could’ve made it more touching is a sick kazoo baseline.”

“...Thanks? I guess?”

Bug settled into the seat reserved for last year’s winner. Danny, Sam, and Tucker sat in front of them, though Tucker, at least, would’ve preferred to be behind where he didn’t have to worry about Bug tossing popcorn onto his beret. (They scored twelve pieces before Tucker noticed.) (Vic, who was sitting by Bug, began plucking the pieces off and eating them. Normally she wouldn’t do this, but after downing [READACTED] number of ecto lattes, some of her sense of personal space was inhibited.)

Tali spoke into their magical kazoo while the arena was still relatively quiet.

“Welcome one, welcome all, to the PHINAL ROUND of the 2020 Phandom Phight Club! Thank you all for coming out from your respective corners of the ghost zone, whether from the distant Far Frozen or Pariah’s Keep, the terrifying Nightmare Valley or Carnivorous Outskirts, we hope you’ve felt welcome in our Denny’s this month. We wouldn’t be here without all of your interest, support, love, affection, and most of all, poopposts! So extra special thanks to all our phighters who came and put their memes to the test.”

Applause sounded from the audience, as well as a few confused whispers of _“poopposts”?_

“We’d also like to thank our new announcers from this year! Nick won’t be announcing this round, as his full energy is being devoted to avoiding the dreaded Vibe Check from Aurora. He is currently being guarded by our security team, but let’s give him a round of applause anyway, along with our other announcers, Luma, Matsu, and Bug!”

More cheers rang out, with a few scattered audience members waving tiny crabs, wearing horribly-colored apparel, saying nice things about themselves, or eating hot pockets in honor of the announcers.

“And let’s not forget the hard work of Mod Vic, either! She made the Phighter IDs that get you into the ring, and also helps wrangle rowdy anons, and kept me from making an idiot of myself while I had the Ghost Flu. So thanks Vic, you’re the most not-precious of us all.”

“She’s precious,” Bug said with a smirk, causing Vic to cross her arms.

“At least _Tali_ believes me. ...I think.”

“Alright, now that we’ve gone through all the mushy stuff: What you’re actually here for! Ectoplasm, guts, and straight up brawling! We’ll start with our 3rd place phight, and then move on to the PHINALE!!!”

“Three exclamation points,” Vic said to herself. “Can no one else hear that?”

“And yet you ignore the ph,” Danny shook his head. “That stopped being phunny, like, phorever ago.”

“And just phor that, I’m writing it into your dialogue.” Tali smirked. “Now, without phurther ado… let’s introduce our third place phighters!”

XXX

**MATCH 1: THIRD PLACE**

“Stepping up into the ring we have the one, the only, the litle creacher themself, Grimgrinningghoul!” 

The 80s remix of Numb blared, annoying most likely everyone except Tali, who headbanged so hard their glasses flew off.

“Ahem.” They coughed into the kazoo, making the crowd wince, and finally replaced their glasses. “And the opponent! The friendly neighborhood gremoblin, who could also be considered a cryptid in his own right, it’s Half-Dead-Half-Wit!”

Ninja (half-dead-half-wit) joined PJ (grimgrinningghoul) in the ring. Since the Fenton Wash&Dry had flopped last round, Ninja had reverted back to his original weapon: dank memes. He had a few that had been specially brewed before the match, incidentally using the Wash&Dry as a sort of cooking pot. The energy they radiated was cursed enough to make PJ step back a little before the match even began.

“PHIGHT!”

Ninja whipped out his memes like throwing stars, but PJ managed to dodge with a tiny “meep!” Being a litle creacher did have its advantages— like speed, and being a difficult target to hit with a distance weapon. Ninja would have to step up his game.

He pulled Danny’s least favorite image from his pocket— the one where his face was dead-eyed and soulless, staring right into one’s core. It was an old meme, but a classic for a reason. Ninja stretched it into a long rectangle, rolled it into a tube, and then wielded it like a baseball bat.

“It’s over, PJ! I have the high memes!”

“Hmmm, that’s a pretty convincing argument,” PJ nodded. But PJ had withstood a Vibe Check from Aurora—even if they’d lost, it lent a great deal to their endurance and stamina. As well to their ability to face intimidation.

They faced down the meme-bat bravely—and went intangible as the weapon tried to strike.

“What?” Ninja gasped. “But the chaotic energy of my memes—they were supposed to be phase-proof! I even homebrewed them myself…”

“Ah, well, it was worth a shot.” PJ smiled consolingly before pulling out their trusty Fenton Ghost Caller. With a kazoo addition to the 80s Numb remix, blob ghosts began melting up from the ground to come to their aid.

“Back off! I’ll swat you like gnats!” Ninja threatened, swinging the meme-bat wide.

But it wasn’t enough. The sheer numbers of the blob ghosts—fueled by both the Fenton Ghost Caller and the undeniable urge to headbang to Linkin Park—were too much for Ninja. He disappeared under the tide of green blobs.

“No… my memes… my… dankness....!”

“Nothing’s more dank than being Numb inside.” PJ dabbed.

“I must agree there,” Tali said, joining in on their own kazoo. “Ninja is unable to battle! PJ aka Grimgrinningghoul wins third place!”

**MATCH 2: FIRST PLACE**

“You can do this, Nick,” Vic said with a (hopefully) comforting pat on the next phighter’s shoulder.

“Yeah. I’m tough. I’m cool. I’m the best dang hot pocket-warmer there ever was!”

“...Not sure why that’s relevant, but okay!” Vic flashed him a thumbs up. “Now go out there and kick Aurora’s butt so my security team doesn’t get Vibe Checked halfway across the Zone again!”

The security team had lost G3, Cecilia, and Lori to the cursed Vibe Check. Tali was going to have to reopen Denny’s job applications again at this rate. Which would be kind of a letdown, since the Denny’s was about to close after this match anyway.

From their place in the VIP box, Tali watched Vic nudge Nick out into the ring. From the opposite side, Aurora was escorted in by Nero and Rin.

“Man, you guys sure are scared, huh?” Aurora grinned. “What do you think I’m going to do, waste my energy Vibe Checking you when Nick is _right there?”_

Nick gulped.

Tali started to wonder about the ethical implications of sending Nick into the ring against his constant tormenter, where the only rules were “phight until your opponent is incapacitated.” But it wasn’t like they were going to cancel the Phinal over something as little as fear of permanent trauma.

“Alright frootloops and gentlehoes, phools of all genders, it’s the phight you’ve been waiting for!! Nick aka Ecto-American will face down the terror of the ring, the pillowcase-weilder from Nightmare Valley herself, Auroraphantasma!”

The crowd was split in its cheers, some chanting Nick’s name (and screaming about Hot Pocket Rights), while some chanted “VIBE! CHECK! VIBE! CHECK!” presumably in honor of Aurora.

“No running this time, Nick.” Aurora grinned, holding her oddly-stabbed pillowcase like a sword. It was only now that Danny saw it held still that he realized it had a picture of Denny Phantom on the front, the unofficial mascot of the Ghost Denny’s.

“What did they do to you, my poor restaurant-themed kin,” Danny whispered.

“...You’re gonna accept that Denny’s kinned you?” Tucker asked.

“You know this isn’t the weirdest thing that’s happened.”

“Fair enough.”

“And at risk of causing Nick nightmares for the foreseeable future…” Tali began, “PHIGHT!”

And Phight they did.

Aurora flew in swinging— or rather, _teleported_ in swinging. Her Denny’s application had warned that she could and would teleport behind you, and she intended to use that power to its fullest.

Nick, however, had experience in dodging the now-predictable attack. He cartwheeled out of the way, stuffing his own secret weapon into his mouth: the perfectly-cooked Magic Star Hot Pocket.

“No way,” Tali breathed. “I thought that hot pocket was only found in legends.”

“...It’s literally just a hot pocket?” Bug said behind them. “What’s so special about it?”

“Nick’s been working on the recipe all month,” Tali confided. “You know his vendetta against Mario Kart? It’s partially because Mario Kart apparently ruins friendships, but it’s _also_ because he had to play it for weeks straight in order to collect all of the Power Stars he needed to fuel his Hot Pocket.”

“...That’s some serious backstory you just made up there. Mad props.” Bug nodded.

“Thanks, I try.”

Regardless of the Magic Star Hot Pocket’s origins, it did its job: making Nick completely invulnerable to all attacks. _Including_ the dreaded Vibe Check.

“You have no power over me, Aurora!” Nick called, grinning with the rainbow remnants of the hot pocket smeared across his mouth. “I sacrificed my sanity to Mario Kart for this!”

“Yeah, well, we’ll see how invincible you really are!” Aurora challenged back. She geared up to swing her pillow case, holding it back like charging up Ness’s Baseball Bat attack in Super Smash Bros. She began to glow as the power collected in her crucified pillow case.

She just had to wait for Nick’s star power to wear off… but she _did_ have less stamina than the fattest cat in the world.

“This is… oddly anticlimactic.” Bug said, resting their chin in their palm.

“Shh, they’re having a _stare down,”_ Tucker said.

“Which would be a lot more intimidating if the Mario star music wasn’t playing in the background,” Sam countered.

Tali didn’t care; they were on the edge of their seat, staring just as intently to see which phighter would break first. Nick began to sweat, not daring to try to strike Aurora while her pillowcase was charged. Even star power could only take him so far. He needed to wait for the right moment…

“Agh, enough of this!” Aurora shouted, throwing her speared pillowcase like a javelin.

The fabric image of Denny Phantom flew through the air. Came into contact with Nick’s chest— 

And was flung back just as forcefully, effectively Vibe Checking Aurora straight out of the ring.

“VIBE CHEEEEEEEECCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!” She called as she flew out of the stadium, past the Denny’s, into the ghost zone version of the moon. A tiny explosion could be seen on it.

“That… where did that moon come from?” Danny asked.

Tali shrugged. “Aurora’s desire to be dramatic.”

“And dramatic it was,” Bug admitted. “Probably not as much flair as my win last year, but A for effort.”

Tali grinned before raising their kazoo to play the Mortal Kombat theme, while Lexx beatboxed in the Danny Phantom theme over it from across the stadium.

“And there you have it, pholks! Auroraphantasma is unable to battle and is our second place winner! Ecto-american wins the first prize!!”

Vic stepped into the ring to hand the shell-shocked Nick the trophy (which someone should design, because Tali had no idea how to describe it).

“I… I won?”

“You won.” Vic said, offering her hand for a fist bump. “Any words you’d like to give the crowd on your victory?

Nick bumped knuckles with enthusiasm. 

“I’ve never played a game of Mario Kart in my life.”


End file.
